Vacation's Over

starting tomorrow, I go back to school.

This summer vacation was a little different from the one last year. Last summer, I watched more Japanese animation in a four month period than ever in the rest of my life.

This summer . . . I became a Touhou fan. And a Fallout fan. And a Guilty Gear fan. And I just got an account on Fanfiction.net. Things were more focused on games, music, and fanfiction this year. Why? I don't know; it just was.

By the way, FF.net is more cool than you realize. Unlike the fanfics on this blog, on FF.net, you can increase the text size, double-space the words, make it as readable as you want. Okay, I've known that for a while, but now you can do that with my fanfics. And also, on your account, you can see how many people have read your stories. Okay, it doesn't say if they read the whole thing, but there's already been a few people who have, at the very least, accessed my Touhou fanfic. Yes, everything is going according-

-Anyways, Fall 2009 will be my last Fall semester at my college. I'll make it count. After this is Spring 2010, and when that's finished, I'll be finished with school, period. Then comes job hunting, but I'll worry about that later.

So don't expect me to update my blog as much as usual. However, when I'm finished with the first chapter of the Touhou fanfic I'm working on right now, I'll upload it onto FF.net for your entertainment. Until then, I'll report back once I've settled into my school groove once again.

Yet Another Intro (and links)

If you are coming here from fanfiction.net, then welcome! I'm xm0123. Call me xm.

I'm an aspiring writer. And sometimes I write fanfics. I actually have some fanfics here on this blog, if you're interested. However, keep in mind, all of these ones are script fics, and as such, can't be hosted on FF.net. Drat! Well, anyways, I've done fanfics for more than just Touhou. Here, I'll even organize them like the FF.net site.

I have written script fics for Tales of Legendia, Death Note, Chobits, and Neon Genesis Evangelion. Here they are, with links no less!

Tales of Legendia: The After. (please ignore the text before and after the story.)
What happened after the true ending of TOL? I explore that.
Rating: T. English. Hurt/Comfort/Romance. Chapters: 1. Words: Mostly Dialog.

Rebuild of the End of Shin Seiki Evangelion: Angelic Girlfriend of Steel Days @ Ikari Raising Academy. Part 1 and Part 2.
What did happen after the end of Evangelion? This is my interpretation.
Rating: M. English. Humor/Drama/Mindfuck. Chapters: 2. Words: more than the others.

Death Note: The Alternate Ending.
What if the ending of the anime version of Death Note played out differently? AU.
Rating: T. English. Drama/Psychosis. Chapters: 1. Words: Exactly as Planned.

Loss Is Not Forever.
An alternate version of the ending of the Chobits anime. Contains a MST by three "associates" of mine. Hideki X Chitose.
Rating: T. English. Humor/Romance. Chapters: 1. Words: none in Japanese, despite my use of Japanese honorifics in the Eva one.

As for the rest of the blog, use the entry titles to navigate. Have fun!

You just know they're gonna pull the "Too Short" card again . . .

Hey guess what? I already beat Batman: Arkham Asylum. But it was really good, certainly the best Batman game I've played.

Oh, I've got a surprise for you. Next time I finish a fanfic, one that's not in script form anyways, Go here.

That's right. I have an account on fanfiction.net now.

*Cue Light's Kira laugh*

And man, uploading text onto that website is a lot easier than on this blog! When I upload here, I have to go through and italicize all the text again, as well as adjust the justification and text bolding. Not there, though. I got the system figured out, now, so yeah.

By the way, when I finish the first chapter of my new Touhou fanfic, I can post it there, and post subsequent chapters as I finish them. It will be like an olde-tyme serial!

"How will Reimu and Marisa survive Mokou's Imperishable Shooting? Tune in next time! Same Gensokyo place! Same Gensokyo time!"

(Curse my Batman research.)

And if I ever complete another part of A Touhou Fanfiction About Nothing, I can just plug it in there. Everything Touhou-related I write is connected. Though my new Touhou fanfic will be a little more serious, it's still connected to my comedy series.

If I update on fanfiction.net, I'll be sure to remind you here, as well as any messageboards I might be on.

Costumed Freaks

Well, I did it again. I rented a game as soon as it came out. Right now, I'm playing Batman: Arkham Asylum for my 360. Let me tell you about this game. I remember back in the early 1990s, there was a glut of Batman videogames. Batman on the NES is considered a classic, but I wouldn't know, since I never played it. (I was primarily weaned on the SNES, remember?) I have played the video games versions of Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and The Adventures of Batman & Robin. The game versions of Batman Returns and Adventures of Batman & Robin were actually pretty good. Batman Forever, well, let's just say, it was a crappier version of an already crappy movie. But still, all this time, there was never a totally flippin' awesome Batman game.

Until now.

Actually, to try to describe the goodness within Batman: Arkham Asylum would take me awhile. Instead, I will list the things you won't find in this game.

*ahem*

Things You Won't Find In Batman: Arkham Asylum:

1. Bat nipples.
2. Batman using the word, "goddamn."
3. Batman sounding incredibly hoarse when he's talking. (Come and get me, Christian Bale.)
4. Incredibly Lame Puns.
5. Shark Repellent.
6. Usage of the phrase, "Holy (something), Batman!"
7. Radioactive bees. My God.
   

There. There's reason enough right there to play this game, even if you aren't a Batman fanatic. But then again, knowing this day and age, finding someone who doesn't like Bats is . . . pretty tricky, considering the success of The Dark Knight. So give it a go if you're interested. I'll fill you in with more details later.

Rock Out

So much for Half-Life History Month. (And I was enjoying Episode Two more than Episode One, right up until those goddamned Striders showed up.)

I've been playing more Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus, and I've been studying. For one thing, that Russian fansite I found mentioned a GG fansite I've actually heard about: Dustloop. Well, okay, it's more of a messageboard, but now having remembered that such a site exists, I went lurking. I learned some things about AC+, if you're curious. Keep in mind, AC+ is the only GG game I've played, and the only other one I've seen in action was GG XX, AKA, The One Where Robo-Ky Looked Just Like Regular Ky. Anyways, here's my findings:

-Unlocking stuff is much easier in AC+. Unlocking Kliff and Justice is a cinch, and unlocking the EX modes of characters is apparently easier, as is unlocking GG Mode and GGX mode. It took me a while, but I've unlocked all the things I just mentioned.

-Survival Mode is easier, since you can increase your stats now. However, I may be wrong, but completing Survival Mode is apparently the only way to unlock the Shadow and Gold forms of the characters, which I haven't accomplished yet.

-According to a Dustlooper, (my term) Kliff and Justice have been, "seriously nerfed" for AC+. Mind you, I can win battles with them, but if these two were apparently unbalanced in the past, hmm . . .

Now then, Some other things I've found out. In GGX Mode, which is said to play like Guilty Gear X, you can't use psych bursts. Also, in GG Mode, you can't use psych bursts, and everyone moves a lot faster. Suddenly, the Turbo Mode in Capcom games seems mundane in comparison. (A Dustlooper did say the original GG was horribly unbalanced. Then again, could 2D fighters really move that fast on the PS1?)

Also, I'm getting better with more characters. I'm really good with Baiken. She doesn't have many special moves, but she hits for a lot of damage. I'm also really good as Sol, but not Order Sol, though. Faust is great, and not just for the theme song. And, being the combo freak that I am, I also enjoy playing as Jam, not for the panty shots. And with a little practice, I can win with Johnny. Some characters, though, I suck with. I can't win with Bridget, A.B.A., Dizzy, and Anji, unless if I get lucky. I'm still trying to figure out how to control Zappa. Everyone else, I'm okay with.

Oh, and yes, I've been acquiring more GG music. Nice to know that I have more listening material now.

I got bad news

doujinstyle.com has been down for over 2 and a half days now; I hope everything gets back to order soon.

And I got good news; I just saved a bunch of *gets shot*

In other news, to satiate my Touhou needs, I've been visiting a different Touhou messageboard, Shrinemaiden.org. It's much smaller than DS, and it has far less downloads, but its member are more sane . . . provided you overlook the fans who fetishize Touhou characters to no end. I've gotten some wallpapers here, and they have Touhou fanfics on display, too. And of course, rants and raves on all things TH-related.

Let's talk more about Unthinkable Natural Law, the third fighter. SPOILERS UP AND COMING!

No new characters are introduced, save for a as-yet unnamed catfish. (Probably female, knowing Gensokyo.) However, some characters are introduced in a fighter for the first time. One of which is Utsuho, and she kicks ass! She's really strong and has great ranged attacks. Since I can't play as Sakuya in UNL, I'm gonna use Utsuho as my "main" for now. By the way, Utsuho is an interesting character. She's one of the few characters in Touhou who can rightfully be called a villain. And do you remember what her goal in life is? That's right; she wants to take over the world.

OF COURSE!

However, she failed in TH 11. Now, I can't read Japanese, and there's no English translation hack out for UNL yet, so I don't know if she's trying to you know what again, but considering that she is Sanae's second-to-last fight in the story mode, I wouldn't rule out the possibility. And by the way . . . I like Utsuho's hair. It's a lot like Kaguya's hair.

But also, you can also play as Suwako, the frog goddess! Lots of fans like her, and her cuteness is on full display in UNL. However, as a playable fighter, her controls are weird. She hops; she doesn't walk nor run. She moves like Frogsuit Mario. And most of her attacks are just weird. But, you know something? Sanae can summon Suwako for a special move, as well as Kanako. Makes sense, since those are the deities that she worships. However, if she's fighting Suwako, and she summons Suwako, then there's two Suwakos on screen! How is that possible!?

oMgWtFtImE pArAdOx!!1Onelolio!!!1

Either that, or she only summons a spirit of Suwako, not the real thing. It couldn't be something as contrived as a time paradox.

But, if I decide to write another purely humorous Touhou fanfic, (A Touhou Fanfic About Nothing, Part 4!) I can imagine what kind of situation Satori must be in; one of her pets just tried to conquer the surface world, and she can read her thoughts. There's material in that.

(Satori) Okuu, what did I tell you? No using your powers to harm others!

(Utsuho) BUT, SATORI!

(Satori) Go to your room and think about what you did!

(Utsuho) Fine. (thinking to herself) She's just jealous because I can freely enter the surface now, and this is her way of taking it out on me.

(Satori) I heard that, Okuu.

(Utsuho) FUCK!

But, you wanna know something I'm dreading? It'll probably be another year before another official Touhou game comes out, but when that happens, I hope nothing in my Touhouverse gets Jossed, as the tropers say. There's definitely gonna be more fanon of mine in my next fanfic, and I would really hate it if anything got officially contradicted. I mean, even if you go by what I've already published so far, imagine how awkward that would be.

(Alice) Have you seen Medicine lately?

(Marisa) Nope.

(Alice) You do know who I'm talking about, right? The doll of mine that got stolen and-

(Marisa) -What? You didn't make Medicine!

(Alice) But I did! Who else could-

(Marisa) Last I checked, Medicine was made by (blank), not you.

(Alice) but, how . . . . .

(Me) oMgWtFtImE pArAdOx!!1Onelolio!!!1

(Hey, everyone else is using it as a meme. And it did technically originate from my favorite MGS game, so yeah.)

A behind the scenes look

I'm gonna give a few notes about my Touhou fanfic now.

(WARNING! SPOILERS!)

Part 1:

-You just knew I was gonna describe Reimu as a brown-eyed brunette, didn't you?

-Why Suika quotes from Gurren Lagaan at one point, I have no idea.

-Yukari's description in the Touhou Wiki reminded me of Q from the Star Trek series. So to me, the relationship between Yukari and Reimu is like the relationship between Q and Picard, and later Q and Janeway.

-What Yukari and Yuyuko were discussing is entirely up to your imagination.

-I wonder what Reimu did when she found out that Marisa did indeed planned to steal from her. Well, I didn't feel like writing past that point, so use your imagination again.

Part 2.

-When I was describing Kaguya, I was actually spoofing two common mistakes aspiring writers make. One, in the second paragraph describing Kaguya, I was subjective in describing her. You're not supposed to describe characters subjectively in third-person narrative. And also, I snuck in a little purple prose in, my favorite example being her eyes. I once read a Final Fantasy fanfic that always described brown-eyed characters as having "ebony oculars." so I went a step further and said that she had, "soulful, sensual, ebony oculars." And lastly, I used Kaguya for this bit of satire because canonically, she's supposed to be beautiful, and also, well, I find her to be the most attractive of the Touhou cast. So, in doing so, I myself am now guilty of author appeal. (After all, that leg shape of hers? Skinny ankles and somewhat voluptuous thighs? I like legs like that.)

-I'm so sorry for working in the "Help me Eirin!" meme. It's just that I like that particular meme.

-Warning! Personal fanon interpretation! Yes, in my mind, Medicine Melancholy was made by none other than resident aloof witch Alice Margatroid. Who else could build a doll that resembles a cute blonde human girl as well as Medicine? Then again, Alice didn't appear in TH 9, the one game Medicine has appeared in, so it was possible.

-Kaguya tells Mokou, "NO U." Well, technically, the characters are speaking in Japanese, and I don't know if there's a Japanese equivalent of saying, "NO U." If there is, then maybe, just maybe, Kaguya might actually have internet access. Maybe.

-Here, I'll translate what Reisen was hearing in her drugged state. (by Tewi) “U dong wo kup!” "Udonge woke up!" (By Eirin) "Fee beh err u dong?" "Feel better, Udonge?" "Id seem zi gay view to much." "It seems I gave you too much." "wheel haf tu go wid plan bee." "We'll have to go with plan B."

-Reisen's dream is similar to a scene from IOSYS' Overdive video.

Part 3.

-I really wanna see more scenes with Yugi in the future. Especially if she's similar to Suika like in my fanfic.

-Any astute Touhou fanatic would be able to spot the errors in Aya's article. For one thing, Mystia Lorelei was nowhere to be found near the fight. When Aya said that "Mystia" was an eyewitness, she really meant she herself was an eyewitness. It's typically against journalistic credentials to put oneself in the article, hence Aya's lie. And another thing, at no point did Suika say she was jealous of Yugi's boobs.

-More fanon: there has to be a reason why that tiny fairy follows Medicine around. In this case, the poison she refers to as "Su-san" also controls the fairy. "Su-san" can have the fairy reconstruct Medicine if need be.

-The character Medicine encounters at the end is Ruukoto, a character from the PC-98 era. That's right; the PC-98 is canon in my Touhouverse!

And yes, I am now working on another Touhou fanfic. This one, however, won't be straight-up comedy. It will also have moments of drama, as well as character development. I don't know when I'll be finished with it, though. You can look forward to it, if you have the patience, that is.

Touhouwned

Okay, I think the initial excitement for the new Touhou games has died down. Time to interject my thoughts!

I was able to download the soundtrack of TH 12. It's good, but not great. I've also seen the portraits of the four new characters. I am . . . somewhat unimpressed. but the stage 4 boss is kind of cute. I now await fanart of the new characters. CLEAN artwork, thank-you-very-much.

My source doesn't have the music of the newest Touhou fighter catalogued yet, but they did have the actual game, and as such . . . I acquired a copy for free. Then again, knowing me, once I get TH 12.3's soundtrack, I'll erase the game in good taste. (We at xm0123's Domain believe in pirating music and ROMs of old console games, not PC games. Yes, we are filthy, filthy hypocrites. And yes, that turns us on. No, I don't know why I'm talking like Jon Stewart right now.)

TH 12.3 . . . is obviously not as fun as Guilty Gear. However, it makes up for it by being apologetically adorable. Cirno is playable in a fighter now . . . only I suck as her. Hong Meiling makes a re-appearance; she's better now than in TH 7.5, although most of her ranged attacks still suck. She's very much a melee fighter. Sanae is . . . well, to be honest, she's like a crappy version of Reimu. My favorite playable characters in this game are the returning characters, oddly enough.

TH 12.3 contains what is probably the best mix of the main Touhou theme I've ever heard. And it also has the best version of Sanae's theme I've ever heard. It sounds like rock! (how astonishingly appropriate.) But overall, It's hard to play a Touhou fighter now that I've familiarized myself with GG.

Oh, but the community is very much ablaze right now. Lots and lots of new fanart is pouring out of everywhere, and everyone is commenting on the new games. People's opinions are divided, but I don't mind. Most debating I've seen is healthy, so far.

And for my next post, I'll finally comment on my own Touhou fanfiction! Probably because I'm not finished with my own Touhouverse yet . . .

raving about something again

I'm still loving Guilty Gear, but I'll spare you my ravings for another day.

Instead, let's talk about Atop the Fourth Wall.

Of all the reviewers on Thatguywiththeglasses.com, Linkara is my favorite. He's very knowledgeable on the subject of American comics, and he loves them, too. It's just that sucky comics piss him off to no end. Just about all of his reviews are hilarious, and even if you don't know anything about what he's reviewing, it still is hilarious.

And his catchphrases. I don't know how, but his repeated memes almost always make me laugh every time. I've performed rather considerable restraint, you see. I've printed the following twice so far:

"I AM A MAN!"

And I've also resisted the urge to print, "becuz por litterasee iz kewl!" Oh wait, wait! I got another one! This one's for you Bioshock fans:

"So, you can kill people with bees?" "Yeah." "bees. my god."

And of course, I love his review of Watchmen. "IT WAS SO AMBIGUOUS, IT WAS AMBI-GOOEY! NOT LIKE THAT MOVIE THAT WASN'T AMBI-GOOEY! But was still, for the most part, a fairly enjoyable adaptation."

But thanks to Linkara, I now know full well who Rob Liefeld is. (And yes, his artwork really does suck balls. Makes me appreciate my manga collection all the ever more.) And I have been exposed to the idiocy that is Countdown to Infinite Crisis. ("WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING!" "Should we do something?" "We should do something!" "I'll kill you to death!" "He's Re-Todd-ed.") Yes, and besides, what kind of supervillain lounges on household furniture?

But that's not all, folks! Y Ruler of Time just came out with more ranting against The Prince of Tennis. I've never been interested in the series, but after having seen his videos, I now have no interest whatever. Y compares POT to Countdown, being something he absolutely despises, yet feels the need to chronicle its suckiness anyways.

Hmm. If Linkara's review of Countdown is correct, and Y's review of POT is correct, one could conclude that both series had the potential to be decent, if not great. Unfortunately, they both ended up as epic failures.

Hmm. What's a franchise I've railed against time and time again for squandering all of its good ideas for stupid ideas? Hmm. Think, what is the anti-life for me? Oh yeah, the anime version of Code Geass. And, oh yeah, you can watch the entire first season on youtube, for free, and legally.

NO, YOU ARE NOT MAKING ME WATCH CG IN ITS ENTIRETY!

Unlike the TGWTG community, I just don't have the willpower to attempt such a thing. My mind would be fucking destroyed before I even got the the 12th episode of the 1st season. I think seeing the first 8 episodes is more than enough. A 50-odd episode long anime series shouldn't take 8 fucking episodes to get good! 7 is the absolute limit. (Gainax is lucky Gurren Lagaan finally hit its stride by its seventh epsiode.)

Then again, that CG fanfic I discovered caused me to mellow out on the subject of CG. What's something I could tear apart more of? Slayers? Hellsing? A shitty SNES game I haven't played since my childhood? (oh boy, were there a lot of shitty games for that system.) Hey wait, if I go ROM hunting, I might actually be able to do that last one.

Oh, by the way, check out the Atop The Fourth Wall blog when you get around to it. He has text reviews of All-Star Batman and Robin, which is chock-full of Linkara's awesome wit. Most of his other text reviews now have video counterparts, but the text reviews sometimes mention things differently. His text review of Youngblood #1 mentions a few things, while his video mentions other things. ("The artwork's coming right for us!")

But I'm really inspired to rip something else a new one. But, I don't feel like continuing something I've already done. I wanna rip something I haven't yet. What will be my next target? Wait and see.
















"I'm not a boy! I'm a man!" Say it in the whiny voice for added effect.

Forgive me, Tropers

Anyone who knows tvtropes knows that they have sections called, "Wild Mass Guessing," where people make guesses about stuff. Thing is, these guesses involve implausible crossovers, and overall zaniness. Nonetheless, I want to make a one-man WMG right now. There is something about one of the characters in Guilty Gear that I just can't help but notice. Here's my WMG:

Johnny is Duke Nukem.

No, really. How Johnny, er, Duke, got from our time to the late 22nd century is beyond my understanding. (Answer: Timelord.) Still, Duke went to the future, but we wanted to start a new life. He grew his hair out, put on some new clothes, took up Iaido, stopped using guns, brushed up his kickboxing, learned a few other martial arts moves, but still wanted to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And he's still all out of gum. And somewhere between all of this, Duke, er, Johnny, went from womanizing sexy women to womanizing cute girls. And Bridget. Because according to tvtropes, everyone is gay for Bridget. (I'm not, though. Sorry to disappoint.)

Why this WMG? Well, my god, look at the similarities between the two! Duke and Johnny are both badasses, are both womanizers, are both idolized by women, both have cool voices, both have dark shades that hide their eyes, and even their hair is blonde! But, Johnny doesn't have the buzzcut.

Oh, and speaking of characters, there are some GG characters I like. For example, I like May. Care to guess why?

"Uh . . . oh dear GAWD! You think she's cute!?"

YES!

"Oh wait, are you just saying that because she's a brown-eyed brunette?"

Uh, maybe. But seriously, she's adorable! And her theme song from the first GG just makes me so happy! Her theme in GG: XX isn't as good, in my opinion.

Oh, one last thing for now; let's see how many music references I can count.

Sol's bio: "Enjoys listening to Queen."

Eddie: named after Eddie Van Halen.

Axl: named and modeled (sort of) after Axl Rose.

Slayer: named after Slayer, the metal band.

A.B.A.: sounds like the name ABBA. (What the!? ABBA's not a rock group!)

When a round is finished, the announcer says, "Slash!" like the guitarist Slash.

And that's just all the references I caught. Look it up a Wiki or this cool fansite if you wanna know more.

Guilty Gear, a game made by headbangers, and for headbangers. I may not look like one, but I assure you, I'm a headbanger at heart.

(imitating Faust's voice) SAYONARAAAAA! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

I hope you like lots and lots of distortion

You know what bites? The fact that I played Odin Sphere two years ago. It spoiled me, exposing me to what 2D graphics can be like. Makes Guilty Gear look less impressive in comparison. Sure, GG still looks good, but not as much as it did six years ago.

But that doesn't matter, because GG is fun. It's basically like Street Fighter, if only Street Fighter was fun. And had good music. And . . . yeah. (I never was a fan of Street Fighter.)

I've had the chance to try out all of the characters, including unlockables Kliff and Justice. Most of the fighters are pretty balanced. Some of them I suck with, but several of them I'm really good with. I particularly like playing as Ky, Slayer, and Chipp-Zanuff; fast guys good with combos, basically.

Oh, but that soundtrack CD, man. I already made MP3s of the tracks, but man, that soundtrack! It's like I'm a teenager again!

*Blast's Faust's theme*

Duuuuuuuuuuuuude! Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus is sick like the shit! You can do mid-air dashes, special moves, super special moves, and even one-hit kill moves! And

*record stop*

"Um, xm, are you talking like That 90s Kid just now?"

Uhhhhhhhhh, no. Well anyways, you can also unlock conceptual artwork. What's interesting is the concept look doesn't look exactly like the in-game sprites. The in-game sprites are very anime-like, but the concept drawings aren't exactly anime in appearance. Their eyes are almost normal looking! But it's a cool feature.

I'm still working on unlocking stuff, learning the nuances of the game, and other things, but I'm having a blast. I'll be sure to tell you more, later.

Going for a Wiki Walk

What's a Wiki Walk? I don't know, why don't you click the link before reading on?

Anyways, I found a new website that I consider bookmark-worthy: Uncyclopedia. It is the anti-Wikipedia. If you want proof, just read their article on Halo. That in itself sold me, but there's so much other funny shit on there, you'll be reading (and laughing) for hours if you don't control yourself.

It's incredible, the kind of humor you can find on the internet. I think I have discovered the internet's secondary purpose. (I don't need to remind you what the internet's primary purpose is.) (FREUD WAS RIGHT THIS ENTIRE TIME!) (But not so much on the penis envy part.) (It's men who envy other men's penises, not women. Just watch any half-assed sitcom if you don't believe me.) And that secondary purpose being to make you laugh. You'll just be reading something, when all of a sudden, the article you're reading makes a hilarious reference to a video game you used to play as a child, and you'll laugh and laugh and laugh because it's so true! Eggplants were the Devil!

Uh oh. I'm rambling. Well, I'll give you a preview of what to expect tomorrow:

Next time, on xm0123's Domain! Axl Rose impersonators! Gratuitous Japanese! Classic metal! And a really tall bald man whose weapon of choice is cartoon physics! All this and more, on xm0123's Domain!

P.S. Anyone see the new Nostalgia Critic? You wanna know something frightening? I actually saw We're Back as a kid. Twice. Luckily for me, I promptly forgot about it until just now. Curse you, Critic! Not even your hilarious impersonation can save me from the terrible memory of nonsensical dinosaur weirdness!

A link . . . and a video game anecdote

Do you like video games? Then go here.

If you have a Fileplanet account, you can also download some MP3s. (Note: some of the MP3s on Hardcore Gaming 101 aren't exactly high quality.)

But there was an article on Hardcore Gaming 101 that reminded me of something. Something . . . from my past.

Flashback to the first half of 2003. I was a junior in high school, and I was 17. I don't remember the exact month, but sometime in March, April, May, or June of 2003, my friends at that time invited me to a party. I accepted. Yes, these were those friends of mine, the psycho dysfunctional otakus. This was the last party of theirs I ever went to. So I get there, I'm chatting it up, when someone brings in a new PS2 game. At this time, I did not own a PS2 (that didn't happen until early 2005) so any PS2-only game was foreign to me. I learned what this game was: Guilty Gear X2. Nowadays, we call it GG: XX, but that was then.

Now, I had actually heard a little bit about GG X2 prior to this. I had briefly scanned a Gamespy review of the game. The review went something like this:

"ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! UNPARALLELED 2D GRAPHICS! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ROCK MUSIC IN THE SOUNDTRACK! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! ZOH MY GAWD! WE CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE ORGASMED OVER A TOURNEY FIGHTER LIKE THIS ONE!!!!!"

And lucky for me, I got to see the game in action. Oddly enough, although I was offered the chance to play, I declined, for I didn't want to embarrass myself trying to play a game I was completely unfamiliar with. (Which had happened in the past.) So I watched. I was impressed with the graphics. I had never seen 2D graphics of that technical level before. I had observed a few things about the game, which, for the longest time, remained my only knowledge of all things GG related. They were as follows:

-There was a blonde dude named Ky. One of the players always played Ky, and as such, I picked up on the name.

-There was a really tall dude with a paper bag over his head (and glasses) who could attack by opening doors. That was funny the first time I saw that.

-There was a character who blurted out random Japanese words. And he would always pronounce them correctly. It was the first time I ever heard someone say, "kamikaze!" correctly.

-"Trust me, man. This 'chick', is actually a guy." "Seriously? But, Bridget is a girl's name!" "Not for this Bridget." *starts match* "Listen." (in game audio: "I'm a crossdresser!") "Told cha so!" "No way!" (And thanks to that, I had avoided the trap entirely.)

I was impressed. However, I didn't have a PS2 at the time, so I never played it. And, if you'll recall, sometime after I had finished my junior year of high school, I had a falling out with the "friends" of that party, so by the start of my senior year, (September 2003) I had no one to talk to about Guilty Gear. And, while I did get a PS2 by 2005, I couldn't ask to borrow the "friend's" copy because of the falling out. God, imagine how awkward that would've been if I was ballsy enough to attempt that.

{I'm at said 'friend's house. I knock on the door. The 'friend' answers.}

{'Friend'} xm!? The fuck do you want!?

{Me} You still have Guilty Gear X2? I wanna borrow it.

{'Friend'} But, I thought you didn't have a PS2.

{Me} Don't ask for details. Just, do you have it or not?

{'Friend'} I'll lend it to you, but only if you promise to watch all of Slayers with me.

{Me} I may be crazy, but I am NOT watching a fucking anime just to borrow a game. (note: if this scenario took place before mid 2007, that would totally have been something I would've said.)

{'Friend'} Either you watch Slayers, or leave.

{Me} (leaving) I knew visiting you again was a bad idea.

So, because I was a late PS2 owner, and because of my unfortunate social situation, Guilty Gear, as a whole, slipped out of my mind. The only time I ever mentioned GG on this blog was when I was commenting how Mugen players like using Mugen versions of GG characters. (Including Ky! I knew he looked familiar!)

That's all going to change.

When I read that article, I also downloaded the sample MP3s. Most of the songs are kickass. (Then again, I love rock in all of its myriad forms, from classic, to alternative, to metal, to punk, and everything in-between.)

And then I discovered; there's a new GG game out for the PS2: Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus. Only 30 dollars, years of refinement, and a bonus CD with music! Just like Persona 4! And, I have pocket change to burn, and a burned-out economy to stimulate. (Think about it; GG may be a Japanese product, but the American distributor gets money too. Both America and Japan are in a recession right now. Someone's gotta give back to the video game industries of both countries!)

So next chance I get, I'm hitting up the video game stores in my town. And if that fails, there's always Amazon.

"But, I thought this was Half-Life History Month! Why your sudden fascination with a game that's part of a genre you don't even like for the most part!?"

Because if GG: XX AC+ is more enjoyable than Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 3, it will be totally worth it.

(And those Goddamned Striders! I can't beat them even on the easy mode!)

Half-Life 2: PC vs. Xbox 360 versions

PC version's better.

I mean come on, the PC version has mouseaim, and it can run at 60 fps! The Xbox 360 version never goes faster than 30 fps. However, the graphics on the 360 port are really great. Usually when a PC game gets ported to a console, the console version always has worse graphics. Not so, here. Okay, true, I can't run my PC version on the highest settings, but the graphical difference is negligible, I think. I also haven't encountered any slowdown on the 360 version either, which I do occasionally suffer on the PC version.

The controls aren't as good, I know. However, aiming with the joystick isn't that hard on a 360 controller. Sure, it's not as precise as a mouse, but I find it easier to aim precisely with a 360 controller than I do a PS2 controller. However, I find selecting weapons is harder to do on the 360 version than the PC version. At least in Bioshock, the game pauses when you switch weapons. Not so in Half-Life 2. Bummer, man.

By the way, I'm stuck on Episode Two. Fucking Striders, I swear. If I'm lucky, I might have the game completed before school starts, provided I don't get distracted.







Shiny object! *gets distracted*

And now to earn the scorn of fans of American cartoons

I've more than sure enough that I've said things that will get fans of Japanese animation to hate me forever. Now to piss off fans of American cartoons.

I love Disney. And I love Pixar. But then again, corporations, like people, are not perfect. Now, Pixar has earned a reputation for quality works. This is not entirely unfounded. I've seen all but two of Pixar's full length films. I haven't seen Cars (because I've heard nothing but bad things about it) and I haven't seen Up . . . yet, but I've seen everything else, and everything else, I either liked, or loved. Here's a brief synopsis:

Toy Story 1 and 2: Loved them. Some of the most charming films I've ever seen in my life.

A Bug's Life: Liked it. Not as charming as Toy Story, but still a good movie.

Monster's Inc: Loved it. Cute and hilarious at the same time.

Finding Nemo: Loved it. Hilarious and touching.

The Incredibles: Loved it. Really funny, and also is a good action film too.

Ratatouille: Liked it. Not that funny, but had good characterization.

And now is the part where you're gonna hate me. I have also seen Wall-E. And ya know what? Wall-E is the "worst" film by Pixar I have ever seen. I will now take a moment to duck behind my desk, as to avoid the bullets and rocks that will surely come my way.

*ducks*

Okay, now that you're out of ammo, please note I put "worst" in quotations; Wall-E is not a horrible film by any means. I could think of a number of animated films that I dislike more than Wall-E. However, I'm gonna be honest with you, I do think Wall-E is somewhat overrated.

My primary issue is this. Wall-E is a kid's film. WAIT! That in itself isn't a bad thing! You see, it's a Disney film, it's rated G, and children can understand it. Here's where my problem comes in; Wall-E was obviously made for children, they made it too well for children. I would've liked Wall-E more . . . if I was three years old again. The film is far less substantial than what I would normally expect from Pixar. It's much more basic, much simpler. Simplicity in itself is not a bad thing, but there is a such thing as being too simplistic, and Wall-E is definitely that.

I did like how the film was a commentary on the increasingly sedentary lifestyle of people over the years, and I also liked how the captain of the Axiom was fascinated with the past, and how that inspired him to rise up against the movie's antagonist. However, most of the characters didn't really have much depth to them, and unlike most of Pixar's movies, there wasn't really much humor either. Parts of the film dragged on as well, but my biggest problem is perhaps how cheap one scene in the end was. (MINOR SPOILER!) It looks like Wall-E has "short-circuited" but EVE, his love interest, gives him a sort of kiss. This suddenly brings Wall-E back to life. The other robots cheer. When I saw that, all I could think was, "Too obvious!" I know it's a Disney film, but don't make it so I can predict what will happen based on cliches of the past.

Okay, okay, I'm sounding a little too harsh. It wasn't a terrible film. The lighting effects were top-notch, and as much as the simplicity hurts the film, at the same time, it's really easy to follow. Even when Pixar is at its worst, it's still more watchable than the majority of Dreamworks Interactive's filmography. However, while I wasn't expecting a godsend, I was hoping that Wall-E would be, at the very least, as good as Ratatouille, but alas, that's not the case.

But still, why is everyone acting like this is the best Pixar/Western cartoon/animated film of all time? It's not! It's nowhere close to that! Why is everyone acting like it's a work of brilliance, when it's only slightly above-average? I don't get it! Okay, let me try to end this on a positive note. Wall-E is the "Worst" Pixar I've ever seen, whereas Princess Mononoke is the worst Ghibli film I've ever seen, and Shark Tale is the worst Dreamworks Interactive film I've ever seen. If you forced me to watch one of these movies again, but gave me the choice of which one to watch, I would pick Wall-E, because, even though I don't love it, at the very least, it is not filled with half-assed jokes and an annoying protagonist like Shark Tale, and it's not incredibly confusing and filled entirely with a cast of completely unlikable characters like Princess Mononoke either. That is the best thing I can say about Wall-E.

Now, when's Up coming out on DVD?

Ode to a Chinese girl

Now then, what was is that the manga version of Cardcaptor Sakura was missing? What on Earth was it? Hmm . . . was is one of the Clow cards? Nah. That's not it. Was it the music? Granted, I like the music in the CCS anime, but that's not it either. Was it a character? Yeeeeeah, that's it. There was a character who only appeared in the CCS anime who, for whatever reason, doesn't appear in the manga! Now, who was it? Umm . . . it couldn't have been a minor character who only appeared in one episode; it was somebody a little more prominent. Was it a boy? No. Oh wait! Look at the title of this entry! "Ode to a Chinese girl". That's it! It was a Chinese girl! Now then, what was her name? Umm, she probably didn't have a Japanese name, since she's Chinese, so . . . oh that's right! She was related to Shaoran Li, so the character I'm thinking of is Meiling Li!

"OH NO! NOT MEILING!"

Oh yes, that's who I'm thinking of! I was a little disappointed that Meiling-chan is a no-show in the manga; I liked her. And I have reasons for liking her. For starters, well, just look at this. (And for a bonus, this will be a CLAMP scan in manga style!)



Look at her, singing into a microphone shaped like Sakura's wand! Does that not melt your heart!? Is it no surprise that she's on my "Insanely Cute" anime character list!? She can match the cuteness of Sakura-chan and Tomoyo-chan, and that is no small feat, let me assure you.

And also, she exudes confidence. Although she has no magical powers, she is gifted in martial arts. And also, she is also confident in Shaoran's abilities, always bragging about how awesome he is. Isn't that love, right there? But also, she, like most of the other characters in the series, is going through what it's like to fall in love for the first time, her love interest being Shaoran. They're already cousins, so they're close in that aspect. And also, well, she behaves like how someone would being in love for the first time: she's always daydreaming about him, and of course, in a flashback, she reveals her feelings to him without flinching, indeed, while smiling, and even proposes. (I don't remember the exact dialog, but it was something like, "I like you! In fact, when we're done with school, and if you haven't found anyone else, let's get married, okay? Okay!") However, at that point in the series, Shaoran had already decided he wanted to be with Sakura. This leads to Meiling crying and going to Tomoyo for help. She then also experiences heartbreak for the first time.

Now, okay, there's a similar scene in the CCS manga. When Yukito reveals that he's not romantically interested in Sakura, she broke down the same way, so I guess that covers it, but still, Meiling was a fun character. Some people criticise her for being annoying, even though she's not. (Believe me, I could think of character a lot more annoying than Meiling-chan. A certain girl from Tales of Legendia, for starters . . .) And others say she was superfluous and added nothing, hence why she doesn't appear in the manga. Still, she brought a dynamic that wasn't in the manga, even if she only appeared in about 20 episodes. (She does appear in both movies, though.) I remember when I watched the anime, that a comment for one of the episodes said that Meiling rocked, and I also remember someone on tvtropes saying that Meiling, as well as Sakura and Tomoyo, were very well-written characters, despite being complete girly-girls. You see? I'm not alone.

Oh, you probably want that link, don't you? I found a CCS fansite about a year ago. It's pretty cool. It's called Kawaii Sakura Shrine.

You can find it here.

You can look up differences between CCS and Cardcaptors, avatars, wallpapers, (clean) fanart, episode summaries written like fanfics, and even a section on Tsubasa. Just, some word of warning; some parts of Kawaii Sakura Shrine were authored by . . . fanboys. I think you know what I mean. Just stay in the sections free of fanboyish immaturity and you'll be fine, provided you like CCS.

Oh, and another thing. Another criticism I've read, this one applying to CCS in general, is this, "What could ten year olds know about love?" Well, let me tell you this: remember when I was talking about the times I graduated from school, remember how I skipped over my 5th grade graduation? Well, here's what happened to me at that time in my life: I was eleven. I had fallen in love with a girl for the first time in my life. I was (kind of) like a male version of Meiling-chan, always daydreaming about my sweetheart. I was even thinking of marrying this girl when we were finished with school. But then, the girl in question rejected me, and I respected her wish, even though it caused me a kind of heartache I had never felt at that time. I was barely older than Sakura-chan at that time in my life, and even then, I already knew the agony and the ecstasy that love brings out. But yes, I behaved the same way many kids do when falling in love for the first time, even behaving like fictional characters.

And thus ends my ode.

And the world's most powerful magician is . . . a girl with short pigtails

So I finished reading the manga version of Cardcaptor Sakura, this time now having read every single page from start to finish.

First thing is . . . the translation of volume 7 through 12 is actually outdated. They were printed before the "100% Authentic Manga" rewrites of the first six volumes. They are unflopped, thankfully, but there's no use of Japanese honorifics, which threw me off at first. Despite that, it still reads very well.

Volume 7, 8, and 9 are kind of formulaic. Not much different from the CCS anime's take on that part of the series. But suddenly, once you start volume 10, it suddenly becomes a lot more emotional, and more engaging than the earlier volumes, and even the best moments of the anime. Volume 11, which details Sakura's second trial, does take place at Tokyo Tower, unlike the anime, and that scene is far more engaging than the anime's take. Not only that, but there are things mentioned that weren't in the anime, most notably the connection between Clow and Sakura's father. And volume 12 . . . well, I already knew that the CCS manga had a better ending than the anime did, but now that I understand everything, the CCS manga ending is so much more poignant, more fulfilling. The anime's ending feels cheap and contrived in comparison. And you even get to see Sakura and Shaoran a few years into the future. (A foreshadow of their designs in Tsubasa, perhaps?)

But on the other hand, there were things about the anime I liked. I still prefer how the CCS anime introduced the setting and the characters. And while the anime had a lot more filler, some of that filler was really entertaining. And some of the Clow cards that only appeared in the anime actually were used by Sakura more than once. (Remember the Sleep card, anyone?) CCS the anime is my 4th favorite anime series of all time, and my favorite Japanese animated tv series from the 1990's. CCS the manga . . . I wouldn't place it in my top 5 favorite manga list. But then again, there's many more high quality manga series than there are high quality anime series, so it's rather unfair of me to make such a comparison.

So . . . the CCS anime starts off better, but the CCS manga has a better conclusion. So then . . . if you want to experience the most of what the Cardcaptor Sakura franchise has to offer . . . you're gonna have to read the manga AND watch the anime.

However, as much as I liked the CCS manga, I felt that there was something missing. That something I'll talk about next post. Also, I promised a CCS-themed link in the past. I will deliver that next post. Until then, let me just say that CCS is a near masterpiece. Now, when's CLAMP gonna finish XXXHolic and Tsubasa . . .

P.S. Terada and Rika are apparently an item in the manga. I sure hope to Kami-sama that Terada is willing to wait for Rika to come of age. I have read that's something Japanese people will do in case a coupling (or one partner) is too young for marriage. Hopefully. Maybe.

P.P.S. I know it goes way back to the first volume, but there was a picture of Sakura-chan when she was only three years old . . . . . . . . and even then, her cuteness knew no bounds!

My thoughts on Half-Life 2: Episode One

(Note: for continuity purposes, Half-Life 2, as in, the one I also have for the PC, will be referred to as Half-Life 2 Episode Zero.)

Episode One is not as good as Episode Zero.

It basically recycles the Citadel and City 17 portions of Episode Zero. No new weapons are introduced, but one new enemy appears: Zombines. They're like the regular headcrab zombies, except they're faster, tougher, and can do suicide runs with grenades. Their kamikaze attacks make them dangerous.

Also, as most gamers love to point out now, Episode One is much shorter. Now granted, a short length is not necessarily a bad thing. However, to follow up what I wrote about Portal, I did realize this: even if you replay a short game, you'll finish it faster than a long game. You can memorize a short game more easily than a long game. Episode One, effectively, can be played to death more easily than Episode Zero. Whether or not that's a good or bad thing is left up to the player.

And also, Alyx tags along for most of the game. For an AI controlled controller, she's really smart. She'll run away from grenades, take cover, aim for their heads, and can even do a kick for a melee attack. She's good . . . too good. She has unlimited ammo, and although she can die, (thus causing a game over,) unlike you, she can regenerate lost health when not in danger. Yeah, she has the Halo-like lifebar, and you don't. If you keep her out of danger, she's practically a gamebreaker in sections where she appears. The parts when you are alone are obviously the most challenging segments, for you have to rely on yourself here, much like in the earlier games when you couldn't recruit a security guard or soldier to help you out.

Still, it's Half-Life 2. It continues the story, has excellent level design, the Gravity Gun (from the start this time,) top-notch voice-acting, and unbelievable graphics. And even if Episode One disappoints you, remember, it's practice for Episode Two.

My thoughts on Portal

Portal is fun. I could end the post right here, 'cuz I've already summarized my thoughts, but I'll go into further detail.

Portal is one of the most clever games I've ever played. The puzzles are fun, yet solvable. Not once did I have to consult a GameFAQs article to get anywhere.

And it's short.

Those same GameFaqkers keep marking Portal down because of its short length. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DOING THIS.

Yes, it's short. It took me only two hours on my first playthrough. However, here's something gamers should know: if a game is replayable, then it can be any length it wants to be.

You could play Portal again and again; attempting the challenges, going through the game faster, trying out tricks with the Portal Gun, and it will be fun every time you do it. The game is so well-made, so tight, so streamlined, that its short length is not a problem.

Game's short? Play it again! Memorize the level design! That's what gamers did with games back in the NES and SNES generations: most games back then averaged a length of 30 to 60 minutes. Did gamers complain? No, they didn't.

I like short games, just as much as I like long games. Short games are criticized for lacking depth. Portal doesn't lack depth. I know many short games that lack depth, but I know a few long games that do, to.

So, people who hate Portal just because it ends quickly: would you rather play Tales of Legendia? It's about 80 hours in length. 80 hours of boring combat, weak voice-acting, lame graphics, a completely forgettable sountrack, and lack of creative level design that eventually dissolves into one of the most anti-climatic cockteases of an ending in the history of ever.

You wanna play that? Or do you wanna play Portal? Portal, a fun experience that never gets old, has amusing dialog, an awesome gameplay gimmick, beautiful graphics, "The Portal Song," and an ending that, while ambiguous, ends on a high note? Which would you prefer?

P.S. every time someone has criticized Chrono Trigger for being "too short," ("RPGs need to be 40 to 200 hours in length! Or else they will suck!) I go postal. You see where I'm getting at?

P.P.S. Same people criticized Persona 4 because it wasn't as long as P3. Come on, P4 is already about 45 hours in length. That's already pretty long. And it's just as substantial as its 70-something hour long predecessor.

Another official declaration

What was I doing August of last year?

"Playing Half-Life games."

And what am I doing right now, in the month of August?

" . . . Playing Half-Life games?"

Exactly!

Something about this month has compelled me to play Half-Life games for two years straight now. I now declare that August is Half-Life History Month.

(If I could, I would insert a doctored screenshot reading, "Half-Life History Month" here, but for now, you'll have to use your imagination.)

Why am I playing Half-Life games again? It might be because I bought The Orange Box for my Xbox 360. Sure, I already own the PC version of Half-Life 2, but I've never played the retail versions of HL 2 Episode One, HL 2 Episode Two, and Portal until now. And, technically, I own Team Fortress 2 now, except as you know, I don't play online-only games.

So for the rest of the month, except for when I do reviews of other stuff, (I already promised to do a further review of the manga version of Cardcaptor Sakura, for example,) I'm gonna spend this entire month talking about the Half-Life franchise. So if you hate Half-Life for whatever reason, stay away from the more recent entries.

"Sorry, Mister Freeman, but you know I can't let you through without your groove on."

Sorry. It's an old joke from Planet Half-Life.

A reflection on Japanese animation in America: Dead, or only temporarily hurt?

Geneon and ADV are nearly bankrupt, "in the red," as it were. Toonami no longer exists. There hasn't been a new anime series airing on tv since Code Geass ended. DVD sales are down, partially because of the economy, partially because of other reasons. And to top it off, my local Best Buy no longer carries anime. (Target dropped its anime section years ago.)

Of course, knowing the otakus, a lot of them are now saying that anime, as a market, is going to die. These people say that Ponyo on a Cliff will be anime's last hurrah in America, and that after it comes out in theatres and on DVD, that anime will go back to being completely underground.

How did it get this way?

Well, part of it was this; remember when I talked about The First Otakulypse? That started back in the late 1990s. The Nineties is considered the age of Animation Renaissance in America. At that time, people, okay, more people than now, took cartoons seriously, and as such, more people were open-minded to the idea of foreign cartoons. Nowadays, because many people have shifted back to the attitude of "cartoons are for kids," (or they can be for adults, but only if they're comedies,) you don't see as many people trying out new cartoons, including new Japanese cartoons.

Another part of it has to do with the following: when the shows that brought about The First Otakulypse first came out, it was the first time many Americans had seen a Japanese cartoon. "Oh! Something new! Something fresh!" Many people were watching anime simply because it was anime. Can you name an American cartoon that's anything like Evangelion? Didn't think so. However, over time, many people saw past the gimmick of watching an Asian animation, and began to lose interest. "So? Just because it's Japanese doesn't automatically mean it's going to be good." And, much like what happened to the video game market just prior to the release of the Wii, anime began to be seen as something only 'hardcore' types would watch. Presently, very, very few people still watch anime, and most of them are either hardcore otakus, and/or people who respect animated film.

And speaking of otaku, earlier this decade, American anime companies would license just about every anime show/movie/"OVA" under the sun. Reason? The otaku fanbase would eat it up, and buy it on sight simply because it was an anime. However, as pertaining to the last paragraph, some otaku became less 'hardcore' over the years, and would begin buying less and less anime. Also, during this time, companies would license any anime, even if it was of poor quality, (poor quality anime is one reason I avoided anime during my late teens years) or even if it would not make sense to an American viewer. Take for example Paranoia Agent. I've tried to watch this series, but I couldn't get into it. It wasn't a bad show. My problem was this: to understand PA, you have to either be Japanese, or understand Japanese culture of the last 30 or so years to understand. And when I say culture, I don't mean Japanese pop culture, I mean actual Japanese culture. (knowledge of manga tropes doesn't get you far in Nippon, trust me.) Unfortunately, most Occidental people do not meet those two requirements, so anime like PA were completely alien to them. This is one reason why ADV and Geneon nearly died; because they just licensed shit left-and-right, assuming that the otakus would buy it up.

Do I believe that anime is going to die, to only be viewed on fansubs for the rest of my life? No. However, if anime companies keep making mistakes, it could seriously happen.

We'll start off with the good: letting viewers watch streamed anime, including anime in Japanese that hasn't been dubbed in English yet. This is good. Streamed anime is paid by (annoying yet necessary) online advertisements. ADV, Bandai, and Funimation are already doing this. This is good. It can also entice viewers into buying a show or movie or OVA on DVD. You can watch the streamed version, but you can also say, "Hey! Wanna watch this product without commercials? And with better picture and sound? And (if applicable) in English and/or Japanese with subtitles? Order now!" And by streaming shows that are still Japanese-only, this counteracts fansubs as well. And it also helps that unlike during The First Otakulypse, most people are now aware that the majority of fansubs aren't very faithful translations.

However, this is not enough. If anime is to be saved as a marektable good, something else must happen. Tighten your anal sphincters, otakus, because what I'm about to say will offend you. To save anime, you must . . .

. . . make it more accessible to people who don't normally watch Japanese animation. In other words, you must do what Nintendo did with the release of the DS and Wii: stop listening to the fanboys and start marketing to the larger untapped audiences. Why Nintendo? Consider this quote by Shigeru Miyamoto. He was talking about games, but it could just as easily apply to anime:

"What's happening with video games is the same thing that happens with anything new and interesting. At the beginning, everybody wants to see what it is. They gather around and check it out. But gradually, people start to lose interest . . .The people who don't lose interest become more and more involved . . . And the medium starts to be influenced by only those people. It becomes something exclusive to the people who've stuck with it for a long time. And when the people who were interested in it at first look back at it, it's no longer the thing that interested them." But unlike the game industry, the R1 anime industry has yet to catch on to this.

Naruto, Bleach, and Miyazaki's movies aren't enough. If anime is to be saved, we need more products that appeal to "normal people." Now, as to go about that, well, that's out of my hands. That's up to the companies. What they need is to stick with shows that are decent quality, (i.e. nothing like Pilot Candidate for Christ's sake.) and something that can be understood by someone who doesn't know anything about Japanese culture. Of current programs, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is a good start. Like the first FMA anime, it can be understood by someone who knows nothing about Japan or Japanese culture. Also, it's a quality product, again, like the first FMA anime.

Now, as to make these shows more marketable, companies need to advertise differently. The first FMA anime was popular, to an extent. I say, "to an extent" because I don't know anyone in person who's even heard of FMA, even though it can appeal to the masses. What could be standing in the way of the success of the second FMA series, if it were to be dubbed in English and released here in video and/or televised format? Here's a few obstacles:

-There are still a lot of Americans who assume that cartoons can only be enjoyed by kids, and/or cartoons can only be comedies. This is a big one. Japanese culture doesn't have this attitude, but American culture does.

-Anime is still viewed as an exotic medium, something that is only watched by 'hardcore' animation fans, Japanophiles, or perverse nerds.

In short, if you're an anime company, you need to say through your ads the following: there's nothing weird about liking Japanese cartoons. It's okay for cartoons to be action, drama, horror, mystery, or any combination of genres. Liking anime in itself doesn't make you a nerd. (And liking anime is nothing to brag about either.) Being above the age of twelve doesn't mean you can't enjoy anime. (Well actually, that one can apply to all animation, not just anime.)

Even though the market is in a huge slump at the moment, we've made a lot of progress. Censorship rarely happens in anime now. There's more anime available in America now than ever before. English dubs now are usually decent, if not great. Streaming anime wards off fansubs, and gives people with internet access a chance to try before they buy. And, as a bonus, few people nowadays assume that all Japanese animation is "porn," which is actually a good thing. I mean, if manga and Japanese-made videogames can still sell well, even in a recession, why can't Japanese animation?

I mean, think about it, what would happen if the R1 anime market did die? Do you want Crispin Freeman to only work on videogames and American cartoons for the rest of his career? No. Of course not.

Movie vs novel time again!

I recently watched the movie version of Watchmen. I didn't like it as much as the original graphic novel, but the movie actually was pretty good.

NOTE: There are Watchmen spoilers here. Read at your own risk.

First, the good stuff. When trailers came out, fans noticed the costumes of the characters were darker, and, well, different from the book. The characters in the book all resembled characters from 1950s American comics. I'll admit, I myself was skeptical at first, "Oh, they're all more subdued colors! It's cooler!" But now that I've seen the film, the different costumes actually do look cool. I now realize that if Zack Snyder, the director, had used the look from the comic, it would look overly garish on film. The darker color schemes show up better.

Also, most of the actors were really good. Most of the cast was actors I've never heard of, but that's okay, since most of them were really good.

But now, I've gonna give a shout-out to Jeffrey Dean Morgan as The Comedian. When you see him, there is no mistaking it; he is The Comedian. One difference I've noticed from the novel is that there's more swearing in the movie, including the use of F-bombs. This actually works in favor for The Comedian character, because it shows how cynical he is. In fact, I might as well say it; I like Movie Comedian more than Novel Comedian. You get a much better understanding of the character in the film than you could from the book.

Also, not every scene from the novel is in the movie. Sometimes, that's a good thing. There are no scenes with Tales of the Black Freighter, a scene from the book that I personally felt was pretentious and boring. Also, the "Nostalgia" scene at the end of the book doesn't appear in the movie. Then again, that scene felt out of place, in my opinion.

And the soundtrack, some of it was well used. The intro montage that used "The Times They Are A-changin'" by Bob Dylan really sets the mood, as the montage plays scenes of the masked vigilantes being brought down one by one by the anti-superhero registration. Also, the music that played during Doc Manhattan's backstory was well-suited also.

However, the soundtrack is a double-edged sword. When the scene plays when Doc Manhattan is vaporizing Viet Cong soldiers, The Flight of the Valkyries plays in the background. This is meant to allude to Apocalypse Now, however, the effect failed for me. Do you know what I think of when I hear Wagner's Flight of the Valkyries? "What's Opera, Doc?" I found myself unintentionally giggling because the music was reminding me of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, this, despite the fact that Vietnamese soldiers were dying in a most gruesome manner.

Some other negative stuff: some scenes were cut out from the novel that I felt detracted from the experience. The First Nite Owl is barely mentioned in the film. There are not as many scenes with the criminal psychologist who profiles Rorschach. Hooded Justice appears, but there's no mention of his background, how he was a closet homosexual, or how he was suspected of being killed by The Comedian. And also, why does Ozymandias speak with a German accent? I thought he was 100% American. Well, at the very least, Matthew Goode didn't overdo the accent. And the ending, I felt, overdid it. Why destroy only New York, when you can bomb every major city in the world!? Yeah, sure.

And now, something else that's a double-edged sword: the fight scenes. These were played up for the film version, for better, and for worse. The movie version of Watchmen, much like the book, establishes that the superheroes, Doc Manhattan notwithstanding, don't really have any real superpowers. Essentially, they're all Batman wannabes. Of course, they're all in tremendous shape and know how to kick ass and chew bubblegum. Rorschach's disposition towards violence is perfectly captured on film. The last "showdown" is epic in its own way. However, some of the fight scenes are just silly. The first fight, which ends in the death of The Comedian, felt really overdone in the movie. I thought the book did it better. Also, the scene where someone tries to kill Adrian Veidt also felt overblown in the movie. Oh well, I guess you can't have everything.

To get the full story of Watchmen, yeah, you will have to read the novel, but the movie is a nice abridged telling. The special effects are great, most of the actors are great, some scenes I didn't like in the book were cut out, and Movie Comedian is better than Book Comedian. On the other hand, it's really freakin' long, leaves out some important details, and is very, very complex. This isn't like most other movies adapted from graphic novels. This isn't a film that you have playing in the background of a party; it demands your full attention. With that said, it's still really good. It still captures the essence of Watchmen.

P.S. I didn't know this when I first saw it, but Jackie Earle Haley was Moocher in Breaking Away. Wow, he went from being the short kid in Breaking Away, to Ror-freaking-schach. And yes, he's really good as Rorschach.

P.P.S. The sex scene also made me laugh, but I think that one was intentional.

A Touhou Fanfiction About Nothing, Part 3.

Suika was wondering around, laughing to herself. That was, until she was interrupted. A voice called out to her, “I thought I smelled something. The smell of a flat-chested oni; there’s no mistaking it!” The voice belonged to another oni girl, but this girl was much taller than Suika. She had a single horn coming out of her forehead, and long straight platinum blonde hair. Her eyes were red, and unlike Suika, who lacked developed breasts, this girl had very large breasts. She wore a white short-sleeved shirt with red trim, and a long blue skirt with red trim, as well as wooden sandals. Much like Suika, she had two manacles on her wrists, manacles that had chains attached to them.

Suika, knowing the voice, responded, “Yugi Hoshiguma! What are you doing way out here!? You’re not trying to pick a fight with me, are you!?”

Yugi answered, “Well, I got bored of hanging around in the Ancient City, so I came up to the surface to see if it as cracked up as you claim it to be.”

“And?” Suika asked.

“It sure is a lot brighter on the surface.” Yugi continued, “Everything was pleasant, until you showed up. I almost forgot that there was a runt of an oni living on the surface, one with no boobs either.”

Suika became enraged and demanded, “YOU TAKE THAT BACK!”

Yugi said, “Why should I? It’s the truth. You’re an outcast amongst our people. In fact, if it wasn’t for your sake gourd and your ability to manipulate density, you’d be unworthy of calling yourself an oni!”

Suika, her face red, snapped, “And what about you!? What about your ‘manipulation of supernatural phenomena’!? What’s so special about that!? I’ve never seen you do anything like that! Oh, and it much be quite difficult lugging those massive ta-tas of yours all day, isn’t it? I guess that’s why you’re so hunched over; your height and your boobs just make you too clumsy!”

Yugi yelled, “WHAT DID YOU SAY!? I oughta break your spine for that!”

Suika struck a fighting pose and shouted, “Bring it on!” Yugi charged at Suika, and the two began fighting in hand-to-hand combat. The both of them used their chains as whips, however, the fight dragged on with no clear victor. Suika wanted to end the fight, so she reached for a spell card and commanded, “Great Oni: Missing Purple Power!” As soon as she said that, her body grew to three times its normal size, dwarfing Yugi.

Yugi, instead of being intimidated by Suika’s girth, instead taunted, “Ha! You’ve only succeeded in making yourself an easier target!” Suika’s chains had a longer reach now, but Yugi had a trick up her sleeve. She distanced herself from Suika and began firing danmaku.

The danmaku shots hit Suika, hurting her, “Ow! Ow!” She shrank back down to her normal size. She complained, “No danmaku! NO DANMAKU!”

Yugi retorted, “You’re the one who pulled a spell card out on me! It’s what you get for trying to squish me in your giant form!” Having weakened Suika with her danmaku, she charged at her and began attacking in close-combat again. The two oni kept going at it for the longest time, with no clear victor in sight. Lots of crazy attacks occurred: Suika slamming Yugi through a tree trunk, Yugi piledriving Suika fifteen feet into the ground, eye jabs, kicks to the groin, and horn twists to name a few. (Twisting an oni’s horn hurts like Hell.) Their clothes became tattered. Both of them had black eyes. Their bodies had a number of bloody scrapes and bruises all over.

The two girls fell to the ground. They were in pain, they were short of breath, but they were still conscious. Yugi managed to stand up, clutching her side in pain. She gloated over Suika and said, “What’s the matter? Giving up already?”

Suika answered, “A true oni,” she paused for dramatic effect, “never gives up!”

Yugi noticed Suika’s sake gourd and stated, “That’s the gourd of sake that never empties, right? How about a truce? You give me your gourd, I’ll call this a victory on your part.”

Suika clutched her gourd and yelled, “No! Not my precious alcohol!” She stood up, still clutching her gourd.

The tall oni then threatened, “Well if you’re not giving up your sake, then you’ll have to finish this fight!”

Oni are extraordinarily strong creatures, but they’re not invincible. Suika was at her limit, and she knew it. She could tell Yugi was too. Suika held out her gourd and said, “I don’t want this to end with someone getting seriously hurt, so take it. If you say you’ll forfeit, then take it. I can always get more sake in the village.”

Yugi shouted, “Awesome!” She stumbled to Suika, her arms stretched out.

Right before Yugi grabbed the gourd, Suika reached for a spell card and recited, “Mist sign: Immaterial!” Suika’s body, clothes, and gourd turned into a fine mist. Yugi’s eyes widened in shock as she fell to the ground.

“AGH!” Yugi shouted, her fists clenched and her teeth scraping one another. “So that’s why no one can get a hold of her sake! That scoundrel!”

Suika rematerialized, boasting aloud, “Rule Number One When Dealing With Suika Ibuki: don’t come between me and my booze!” Yugi was about to charge at her, but Suika shouted, “Wait! Yugi, are you . . . are you sober?”

Yugi’s fists became unclenched. She looked downwards, and said in a mutter, “Yeah.”

Suika then said, “Is that why you’re being like this? Because you haven’t had a drink?”

Yugi answered, “Uh huh.”

Suika stated, “Then how’s this? I’ll let you drink from my gourd, right now, all you want, so long as you don’t take it. Isn’t that a truce we can get behind?”

Yugi answered, “Yeah, that sounds good.” Yugi went up to the shorter oni and took her sake gourd. She took a long, good swig. Her eyes became closed and she shouted, “YEAH BABY!” She handed back the gourd to Suika and exclaimed, “That’s the good stuff right there!”

“Oh yeah!” Suika shouted back. She then said, “I’d stick around, but I think I’ve had enough excitement for now. And by excitement, I mean owies!” She clutched herself.

Yugi responded, “Sorry about fighting you!”

Suika said, “Nah, it’s okay. I was asking for it. I better go back to Reimu’s place and recuperate. See ya later, clumsy oni!” She walked away in pain.

“See ya later, flat-chested runt!” Yugi ended, herself in pain.

Just above Yugi, high up in the trees, was a girl. She was wearing a white button-up blouse with a black miniskirt. She wore brown loafers with knee-high socks, and she had a red tokin on her head. Her hair was black, and reached to just below her shoulders. Her eyes were red, and coming out of the back of her were black feathered wings. She was carrying what looked like a camera of some sort. She uttered to herself, “Wow! These are some great shots! Now I just have to hope the girl down there is willing to do an interview.” She stowed away her camera and pulled out a pen and piece of paper. She came swooping down next to the tall oni.

Yugi was surprised to see what looked like a crow youkai land right next to her. She exclaimed, “Whoa! Who are you!?”

The girl with wings answered, “My name is Aya Shameimaru, journalist and head writer of the Bunbunmaru Shimbun. I just bore witness to that fight between you and that other oni girl. Would you tell me what’s going through your mind right now?”

Yugi looked at Aya like she was suspicious of her. She asked, “Why should I tell you?”

Aya responded, “I’m a journalist; it’s my job.”

Yugi then said, “I only like two things: partying, and fighting, and you don’t look like you’re interested in either.” She then formed a wicked grin on her face and said, “Unless,” she flailed one of her chains near Aya, “You wanna challenge me to a duel, too? I’m still good for another round.”

“Uh, no!” Aya hastily replied. She was surprised by Yugi’s warning, and started flying with her wings, “I’ve got all the information I need, heh heh! I’ll be going now! Thanks for everything!” and with that, she took to the skies in the blink of an eye.

Aya caught up with Suika. She greeted, “Hi Suika! Remember me?”

Suika answered, “Of course! Are you interested in partying?”

Aya replied, “Uh, no. I want to ask you some questions.”

Suika became suspicious, “Hey wait; you wanna print something scandalous about me, don’tcha?” She picked up a nearby boulder, holding it over her head, and yelled, “Well print THIS!” She heaved it at Aya.

The tengu shrieked and flew upwards again, away from the interviewee and back into the sky. As Aya flew through the sky, she thought to herself, “now all that remains is to print and distribute it.”

***

Not too far from the Hakurei Shrine was a forest, but not just any forest. This forest is the Forest of Magic. The Forest of Magic was home to countless fairies, evil spirits, and all manner of beastly youkai. In spite of its danger, a few people have made their home here. Alice was one such individual. There is a clearing somewhere within the Forest of Magic that has a cottage in it, this cottage being Alice’s house. She had just gotten home from Eientei, after having purchased some medication, as well as encountering Medicine Melancholy, a doll that she had built which came to life without her knowing until now. She had disassembled (well, taking apart a crazed doll via spell card is a kind of disassembly) the doll girl so she wouldn’t pose a threat. Despite this, Melancholy’s head was able to talk. She asked, “Does anyone other than you live here?”

Alice answered, “Well, a human witch lives somewhere nearby, and also, there’s a man who runs an antique shop just outside the forest. Otherwise, it’s all animal-like youkai.” She had opened the door to her house and let herself in.

Medicine then asked, “Do you get along with the other people in the forest?”

Alice made a dubious smile and responded, “Me? Get along with the human witch? Hardly. If it wasn’t for the fact that she’s helped me out for some of my experiments, as well as cleared out some of the local youkai, she wouldn’t have the distinction of being called my friend. As for the shop owner, I don’t know him that well, but he doesn’t get on my nerves, and that’s always a plus.”

Medicine took time to absorb this information. Then she asked, “So does that mean you’re a human lover?”

Alice answered, “Huh? What’s so bad about respecting humans? I was originally born a human, you know.”

Medicine questioned, “Oh? Are you a youkai? You don’t look like one.” She paused, then said, “Then again, it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Human, youkai, you’re all the same; you’re all inferior to constructs such as myself!”

Alice sneered, “Well, I can certainly see that I wasn’t the one who brought you to life. No doll of mine would be so clouded by prejudice, that she’d be blind to her very own ignorance and hubris.”

Medicine questioned, “Huh? What does ‘prejudice’ mean?”

Alice snarked, “My point exactly.” The dollmaker reflected on how she had attempted to create an autonomous doll throughout the years. She remembered how several years ago, she had built Medicine and did everything she could to bring her to life, but to no avail. She remembered how one day, she left her house to run some errands, only to return home with Medicine gone. She assumed that maybe some fairies stole her and never returned. She still isn’t certain how Medicine became lost, but now she’s back, alive, and apparently is bigoted against anyone not man-made like her. It perplexed the puppeteer.

Alice had laid Medicine’s parts onto a workbench, ready to examine her. She spent all day looking at the parts of what was once her doll. She couldn’t determine how a poisonous air could bring Medicine to life, nor how the doll could store so much poison in the first place. As for the tiny fairy, she couldn’t get a hold of it. Alice has very dexterous hands, but not even she could grab a hold of it. Anytime she tried to catch it, it would always either fly away too fast, or slip right through her hands. By midnight, she had retired to her bed for the night.

***

Alice woke up early next morning. She had changed into her usual clothes. She was expecting to examine Medicine more closely, only . . . Medicine was gone. “Huh? Where’s Medicine? Where’d she go?” Shanghai, one of Alice’s dolls, appeared next to her. Alice said to the doll, “Shanghai, do you have any idea how Medicine got out?” Shanghai, or rather, Alice voicing Shanghai, said, “I don’t know, Alice! How could she be reassembled like so? We should look around! Maybe she didn’t get far!” Alice said in her normal voice, “Good idea, Shanghai!”

Alice stepped outside, with Shanghai tethered to her invisible puppet strings. (Alice has puppet strings that appear invisible to the naked eye. It gives the illusion that her dolls are entirely independent, so long as you overlook the fact that they can’t stray very far from Alice.) She looked everywhere; all she could find was the newest edition of the Bunbunmaru Shimbun. Hourai, another one of Alice’s dolls, appeared. Alice as Hourai said, “Oh, that’s so heartbreaking, Alice. Your grandest project finally moves on her own, and now she seems to have run away! Oh well. Maybe the newest Bunbunmaru will cheer you up.” Alice, in her natural voice, responded, “Yeah, maybe you’re right.” She stepped back inside and sat down to read the newspaper. The front page on the Bunbunmaru Shimbun read like so:

ONI GIRLS BRAWL!

Yesterday morning, Suika Ibuki, the oni responsible for the parties of Gensokyo back in the Summer of 119, got into a physical altercation with Yugi Hoshiguma, an oni girl from beneath the surface. The fight took place not far from the Hakurei Shrine, where Suika is currently residing.

Eyewitness reports claim the fight started because Suika was jealous of Yugi’s breasts. The fight went on for a while; at least ten minutes passed when the two oni began brawling.

Mystia Lorelei, one of the eyewitnesses, recounts, “It was crazy! They were swinging tree trunks at each other, poking each other in the eyes, biting their fingers, I’m surprised they went on for as long as they did!”

When approached as to why she fought Suika, Yugi replied, “I wanted her sake.” Suika could not be reached for comment.

***

Medicine was flying through the forest. “Thanks, Su-san! Since you can control my nameless fairy companion, you were able to piece me back together! I think, for now, I’ll hide in this forest. Don’t wanna take anymore chances with the organisms.” As she flew around, something caught her eye. She spotted what looked like a dead body. The body’s clothes were tattered. Medicine got close to the body, curious. The body looked to be that of a girl, one with lime green hair. The dead girl was wearing what looked like a blue and white maid’s uniform, with a red bow on her chest. Her eyes were closed. Medicine, her curiosity increasing, decided to touch the body. She tapped the right forearm of the girl. The skin was hard, cold, metallic. “Huh!?” Medicine exclaimed. “She doesn’t have the texture of an organism. She’s a construct like me!” A wicked smirk formed on the doll’s face, “If I can bring her back to life . . . I just might stand a chance!”

To be continued?

End Part 3.

A Touhou Fanfiction About Nothing, Part 2.

Another region in Gensokyo is home to a forest of bamboo. There is nothing peculiar about this bamboo forest, aside from the fact that a very large Asian mansion is hidden somewhere within this forest. And that both the forest and the mansion is home to many rabbits, as well as many rabbit youkai. And that said mansion houses two Lunarian humans, as well as a Lunarian rabbit. The mansion was called Eientei, a phrase meaning, “House of Eternity.”

Eientei was managed by a bureaucracy of sorts. At the top of this bureaucracy was Kaguya Houraisan. She has lived for hundreds of years, yet does not appear to have aged past her 20s. Her straight black hair was so long, it reached to her thighs. She wore no hats nor other hair decorations of any kind, letting her hair flow absolutely freely. (A woman without a hat or something else in her hair is viewed as scandalous in Gensokyo.) Her dark brown eyes were a contrast to her light complexion. She wore a pink long-sleeved shirt adorned with white bows down the center, as well as a burgundy skirt that reached to the ground, hiding the shape of her legs from prying eyes. She was of moderate height for a woman.

A lifetime ago, Kaguya was renowned for being beautiful by human standards. Indeed, if this passage were authored by a more . . . biased writer, the above description would be much more verbose, describing her, “flawless, marble black hair, free of loose strands and split ends, and covering her backside, glimmering in a most beauteous light” and her, “sensual, soulful ebony oculars, whose gaze could warm a person’s heart” and her, “radiant skin, free of scars, blemishes, and other imperfections, which shone with an upmost gorgeousness.” Not to mention descriptions of her mammary glands, (“B-cup. And 100% real. And bouncy.”) her legs, (“Smooth and hairless, with ankles that were slim, and thighs that were somewhat voluptuous, the likes of which could incite lust in certain members of the human population.”) her hands, (“Soft, delicate, slender hands, whose touch could reassure even the most downbeat of individuals.”) her overall physique, (“She was slender, with no more body fat than was necessary. She was not muscular, but rather, was soft and squishy, appealing to moe fanboys in doing so.”) and perhaps even a loving description of her voice. (“She had a soft, womanly, lyrical voice, a voice that could lull men and women, human and youkai alike into a peaceful slumber.”) Many hundreds of years later, Kaguya’s supposed perfection had yet to fade. However, she herself is far from perfect.

The reason a bureaucracy even exists in Eientei is because of Kaguya’s unwillingness to do anything for herself. So whenever she wants something done, she delegates to the next in line; Eirin Yagokoro. She was very tall, with long braided silver hair, and sported black eyes. She wore a blue nurse’s cap, and a blue and red nurse’s uniform. Unlike Kaguya, Eirin’s breasts were very large, practically as large as they can be for a woman of her physique. Because she was taller than her superior, (not to mention more prominent in the upper chest region) some people have the mistaken assumption that Eirin is the Eientei ruler, not Kaguya. In truth, the only thing Eirin rules over is maintaining the health of the peoples of Eientei, as well as developing drugs and medicine.

After Eirin, the bureaucracy becomes twisted. There is a clear cut ruler, and a clear cut second-in-command. There is no clear cut third-in-command. At this point, if Eirin wishes to delegate an order, she may do so to either Reisen Udongein Inaba, or Tewi Inaba. Despite their last names, Reisen and Tewi are not related. They’re not even the same race as their superiors. Kaguya and Eirin are Lunarian humans. Reisen is a Lunarian rabbit, whereas Tewi is an Earth rabbit youkai. Reisen and Tewi couldn’t be any more different themselves. Reisen was about the height of a young human woman, had long straight lilac hair, red eyes, and droopy rabbit ears. She wore a white shirt with a red business tie, a purple miniskirt, brown loafers, and knee-high socks. Tewi, meanwhile, was about the height of a nine year old human girl. She had short wavy black hair, red eyes, and fluffy rabbit ears. She wore a simple pink dress, and was usually barefoot. About the only thing these rabbits had in common were their eyes and the cottontails that formed at the back of their waists. Ironically, Tewi was much older than Reisen, despite having the body and intellect of a child. And if that wasn’t confusing enough, Tewi also has a number of rabbits under her command, as well as rabbit youkai like herself. Any order she has from Kaguya, Eirin, or Reisen, she could just make the rabbits carry out. Speaking of which, if Reisen gets an order from Kaguya or Eirin, she could delegate that to Tewi. If Tewi received an order from Kaguya or Eirin, she could either delegate to Reisen, or any of the rabbits under her command. Looking at it like this, one might assume that Tewi ranks higher than Reisen, but one must keep in mind that in danmaku battles, Reisen beats Tewi by a mile, and also, Reisen is Eirin’s pupil; she knows a little bit about medicine herself. Still, one must not underestimate Tewi, for she is fond of underhanded tactics, and if every rabbit and rabbit youkai in Eientei stands next to her, she can be intimidating. Lastly, there have been no reports of any of Tewi’s rabbits nor rabbit youkai delegating orders themselves. So the Eientei bureaucracy, in a nutshell, can be read as such:

Kaguya

Eirin

Reisen and/or Tewi

Tewi and/or Reisen

Earth rabbits that answer to Tewi.

Now that that’s cleared up, on to the story. Right outside of Eientei, Reisen and Tewi were standing fifteen feet away from each other. They held broomsticks made of bamboo, but they wielded them as if they were weapons. Reisen’s face was emotionless as she glared at Tewi, and Tewi stared back with a confident smirk on her face. Reisen then shouted, “Begin!”

The two charged at each other, dueling with the bamboo brooms. They executed a number of thrusts, slashes, blocks, parries, counters, and other moves. In all of the commotion, Tewi did a leg sweep with her broom. Reisen fell to the ground, and Tewi immediately jumped on top of her, pinning Reisen’s arms with her feet and pointing her broom at the Lunarian rabbit. The Earth rabbit stated, “I win!”

“No fair!” Reisen argued, “You’re much harder to hit!”

Tewi giggled and added, “I still beat you!” She got off of Reisen so that the Lunarian rabbit could stand on her feet again.

“Best two out of three!” Reisen exclaimed, ready to spar with Tewi again. Before they could start, a girl walked past them. It was a girl with short blonde hair, blue eyes, and a red headband in her hair. She wore a blue dress adored with pink ribbons, a white shawl over her shoulders, and black boots. She carried a black book in her right hand. Reisen recognized her, “Oh! Hello Alice. Come to purchase more medicine?”

Alice responded, “Yes. Is Eirin here at the moment?”

Reisen answered, “Yes. Come in. Don’t mind us. We’re just brushing up on our bojutsu skills.”

Alice went into the mansion to look for Eirin. She went down into the basement where Eirin’s lab was. She found Eirin mixing a concoction of some kind near a table full of tubes, beakers, needles, and other assorted medical and scientific equipment. Eirin saw Alice and greeted, “Welcome back, Alice. Come to pick up the usual?”

“Uh huh.” Alice presented Eirin some money. The practitioner handed the visitor a container full of pills.

Eirin asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Alice remarked, “Not today, however, I didn’t see Kaguya when I came in.”

“Oh yes. She went out for a stroll not too long ago.”

Alice bid Eirin farewell and left. Sure enough, as Eirin said, Kaguya was going for a walk down the beaten path within the bamboo forest. There was a look of contentment on her face. “The air feels so nice today!” she said to herself.

All was well, until she spotted what looked like a little girl standing in front of her. This girl was wearing a black blouse adored with red ribbons, a long red skirt, a red ribbon in her short curly blonde hair, and black shoes. Her eyes were blue, and her physique was like that of a six year old girl. There was a smaller girl, possibly a fairy accompanying her. This smaller girl had the same clothes as the bigger girl, yet had somewhat long (relatively speaking) straight blonde hair. Both of these girls looked at a confused Kaguya. The larger girl spoke, “Tell me, are you a human?”

Kaguya replied, “Uh, yes. More accurately, I’m a Lunarian. Are you lost?”

The girl said, “No.” The girl began speaking as if she was talking to the fairy near her, “Say Su-san, how do you think Lunarian humans react to poisonous air? Would it have the same effect on them as it does on Earth humans?”

Kaguya questioned, “Who are you talking to?”

The girl suddenly snapped and yelled angrily, “Not you, fleshbag! Now is the time for constructs such as myself to rise up against the tyranny of organisms everywhere!” She began releasing a strange purple air from her body.

Elsewhere in the forest, another woman was going for a stroll. This woman was wearing a light brown shirt with long sleeves, and red overalls. She had very long white hair decorated with paper charms, as well as crimson red eyes. She was undisturbed, that was, until she heard an all too-familiar voice shout out an all too-familiar phrase:

“HELP ME, EIRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!”

The white-haired woman sighed and muttered to herself, “What has she gotten herself into now?”

Alice heard Kaguya’s call for help; it was straight ahead from where she was. She dashed up to that see Kaguya was on her knees, coughing up the poisonous air that had surrounded her. Then she saw Medicine. At that moment, Alice gasped. She shouted, “Medicine Melancholy!? How are you moving by yourself!?”

The doll stopped, looked at Alice, and asked, “Wait, how do you know my name?”

The doll maker said, “I’m Alice. A long time ago, I built you, however, you somehow became lost before I could find a way to bring you to life. How are you moving on your own? And why would you attack the mistress of Eientei?”

The doll responded, “How do I move on my own? Su-san, of course!”

Alice asked, “Su-san? Is that the name of the fairy following you?”

Medicine responded, “Huh? The fairy just follows me around.” She then formed a wicked grin and said, “Su-san is this!” At that moment, she released the purple gas again, this time at Alice. The doll maker moved out of the way in the nick of time.

Alice, seeing what was happening, opened her book. In-between two pages was a spell card. She took the spell card by hand and commanded, “War Sign: Little Legion!” Approximately eight fairy dolls appeared just above Medicine. They brandished tiny lances, all trained on Medicine. They charged through her repeatedly, until her limbs and head were severed.

Medicine’s head shouted, “NOOOO! I have failed my people yet again!”

The poison Medicine had dispersed had vanished. Kaguya got back on her feet. She said to Alice, “Thanks for saving me, Alice. I forgot to take my spell cards with me, but I see you didn’t.”

“Think nothing of it.” Alice replied. She then turned her attention to Medicine, “It was foolish of you to attack the mistress of Eientei. Don’t you know she’s immortal? Nothing you do will kill her.”

The blown-apart doll snapped, “But, didn’t you hear her scream for help!?”

“Oh, that’s just a force of habit of mine,” Kaguya said nonchalantly.

Alice began to gather up Medicine’s parts and said, “You’re coming home with me. I wanna see just how a poisonous air makes you tick.”

Alice left the bamboo forest with Medicine in hand. The doll could be heard shouting, “Someone help me! I’m being carried away by a worthless organism!”

At that moment, Eirin, Reisen, and Tewi had caught up to Kaguya. Eirin asked, “Are you all right, my lady?”

“Uh huh.” Kaguya said, “Alice bailed me out.”

“Yay!” Tewi exclaimed.

“Phew!” Reisen added, “That’s a load off my mind.”

“Oh, don’t be so sure about that.” Eirin stated, a leering smile forming across her face.

Reisen, confused, said, “Huh? Why not?”

Eirin continued, “You failed to protect the princess. Any real pet of Lady Kaguya’s would’ve responded the moment she called for help. You did not. Therefore,” she closed her eyes and said with a large smile, “you must be subject to punishment!”

“WHAAAAAAT!?!?!?!” Reisen shouted, “But why!? Tewi didn’t help out Lady Kaguya either! If you’re gonna punish me, then punish her too!”

“You forget,” Eirin said, “you are my protege. Tewi is not. Therefore, it is my duty as your teacher to administer the appropriate form of punishment.” She began reaching into her dress pocket, “Now then, how shall I punish you today, Udonge?”

Before she could finish, a familiar individual appeared. It was the woman with long white hair. She stared daggers at Kaguya, saying, “What’s the matter, Princess? Too dainty to handle a troublemaker by yourself?”

Eirin, seeing the visitor, greeted, “Oh, Fujiwara no Mokou! I didn’t see you there!”

Kaguya stared back at Mokou, a pout forming on her face, “No! I just forgot to take my spell cards with me.” She blushed, and added, “And, I got a little disoriented, that’s all. If the poison air didn’t throw me so off guard, I would’ve, at the very least, responded with danmaku, but that girl was sneaky.”

Mokou said, “Oh, so you got caught a little off guard, huh? And, you forgot your spell cards too!? So it wasn’t just your daintiness that got you in trouble; it was your absent-mindedness as well! Of course! How could I forget!? You must be getting senile after all these centuries!”

Kaguya and Mokou were both immortal. In some ways, they were similar. In other ways, however, they were exact opposites. Kaguya with the dark hair, Mokou with the light hair. Kaguya with the feminine manner of dress, Mokou with the masculine manner of dress. Kaguya was a Lunarian human, while Mokou was an Earth human. A long time ago, the two absolutely despised one another, and would kill each other on sight. Over the centuries, they realized that it was useless to try to kill the other, since the both of them were immortal. However, to this day, they still maintain a strong desire to outdo each other through competition. What was once a vendetta is now a friendly rivalry of sorts. With this in mind, Kaguya told Mokou, “Then if I’m senile, you must be too!”

“Guh!” Mokou stammered. She added, “I’m in no mood for your shenanigans today. I promised Keine I’d meet her later today, after all. However, I do have a note to pass onto you.” She produced a tiny piece of paper, flicked it at Kaguya, and walked away. Kaguya read the slip:

“Dear Kaguya, you are pathetic. Signed, Fujiwara no Mokou.”

Kaguya, angered by the slight, said, “Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be, huh!?” She commanded, “Eirin! Hand me a piece of paper! And a writing instrument!”

“Your wish is my command,” Eirin stated, then added, “but first, I need to take care of something.” She produced a large hypodermic needle filled with a colorless liquid. She faced Reisen and said with a smile, “Punishment time!”

“AAAGGGGHHHHH!” Reisen screamed. She could not deny her superiors; she had to take the punishment. Eirin stabbed Eirin in the arm and injected whatever fluid was in the needle. Reisen became dizzy. She muttered, “Huh. This isn’t so bad.” Without warning, she collapsed.

After that, Eirin produced a pen and piece of paper, “As you wished, my lady.”

Kaguya took the pen and wrote something. She then ordered, “Tewi! Give this note to Mokou!”

“Okay!” Tewi shouted. She took the note and ran off. After running for a while, she caught up to Mokou. At that moment, Tewi was hidden high up in a bamboo tree. She formed the note into a paper airplane and threw it at Mokou. The white-haired immortal read the note:

“Dear Mokou, NO U”

“CURSE YOU, HOURAISAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!”

***

The room was bright from the sunlight. Reisen’s body was too numb to move. She was lying on her back, presumably on a bed inside of Eientei. Her vision was blurry. She couldn’t move, and she couldn’t see. She heard a distorted voice say something, something like, “U dong wo kup!”

A few seconds later, something entered her field of vision. The something was a red-blue color scheme. She heard another distorted voice, “Fee beh err u dong?”

“Uhhhhhhhh,” was all Reisen was able to manage.

The voice spoke again, “Id seem zi gay view to much.” The voice then said something like, “wheel haf tu go wid plan bee.”

Before Reisen could try to interpret what the voices were saying, she felt a cold, stinging sensation on her face. The sensation was sudden, and watery. She violently jerked about, rolling around on the floor. She then realized that she could move again, see again, and hear again. She stood up and saw Eirin, holding a bucket in her hands. “Ice water? Seriously?” she chided.

Eirin, with her eyes closed and a smile on her face, answered, “It got the desired result, did it not?” She put the bucket down and spoke in a more plain tone of voice, “Perhaps I owe you an explanation. My last ‘punishment’ was not a true punishment. I was only coming up with an excuse to try out my newest anesthetic on you.”

Reisen said, “I knew something was fishy! Merely injecting me hardly qualifies as a punishment, especially considering that Tewi got off scot-free, and even then, none of that matters since Lady Kaguya is immortal and couldn’t be put in danger anyways!” She then folded her arms and said with smugness, “I knew I wasn’t in trouble!”

Eirin chuckled, “You’ve become sharper than ever, Udonge.” She continued, “Well yes, I was merely using you for my latest experiment. I had developed a new anesthetic, and I wanted to try it out. Would you like to hear my findings?”

Reisen answered, “Of course. How am I to learn as a student if I say no?”

Eirin continued, “The experiment was a rousing success. You became insensitive to external stimuli within a manner of seconds. You stayed unconscious for approximately five days, fourteen hours, twenty-seven minutes, and fifty-three seconds.”

“Whoa!” Reisen shouted, “I was knocked out for five and a half days!? But, it doesn’t feel that long!”

“Oh, but it was,” Eirin said, “What was remarkable was throughout the entire time, you did not go hungry, nor thirsty, and you did not develop the urge to urinate nor defecate either. It was like your body was placed in a coma,” she then paused, then added, “No, it was like, your body was placed into stasis. You did not have to attend to any bodily needs, yet you maintained a steady heart rate, a steady breathing rate, and normal brain activity for one in a deep sleep.” She then asked, “By the way, how long did you think you were asleep?”

Reisen said, “Um, for one night, maybe. Twelve hours, at the most.”

“Uh huh,” Eirin then asked, “And did you have any dreams? If so, what were they like?”

Reisen looked like she was trying to remember something. She then snapped her fingers and exclaimed, “Oh yeah! Now I remember! I remember dreaming that I was flying through space, shooting lesser youkai with my danmaku, when suddenly some . . . thing, appeared, hit me with a celery stick, and I exploded.”

“Interesting,” Eirin commented, “The subject can even still dream when under sedation. This is quite remarkable, and I have you to thank for assisting in my research.” She then went up to Reisen and patted her head, “You’re a good assistant, Udonge. It’s rare to be able to find someone as loyal as you.”

Reisen blushed and smiled, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Eirin then said, “The rabbits prepared something for you in the other room. Why don’t you go check it out?”

“Alright!” Reisen concluded. She went to the door, slid it open, and stepped into the room Eirin mentioned. The moment she stepped in, she suddenly slipped and fell. On the floor near the door were numerous small marbles, perfectly placed for a prank such as this. Tewi was in the room, as well as Kaguya, and a few other rabbits. Everyone started laughing at Reisen, who was now blushing out of fury. She looked at Tewi and asked, “This was your idea, wasn’t it!?” She darted after the rabbit youkai, “I’m gonna wring yer scrawny neck!”

“Waaaaaah!” Tewi shouted, running away from an incensed Lunarian rabbit. Everyone else continued laughing.

End Part 2.