[NBK] What’s on tap for today?
[Blue Yoshi] A fanfic based off of the anime adaptation of Chobits.
[NBK] Ah yes, Chobits. A CLAMP series if ever I read or saw one. Hey Vile 01, what’s the skinny on Chobits?
[Vile 01] Not much. All I’m getting from the anime fansites is that, “It’s a CLAMP series. Either you love it, or you hate it. Personally, we hate it, because it’s CLAMP.” Um, that doesn’t really answer my question, guys.
[Blue Yoshi] Hold up, the Wikipedia article is more informative. It’s a series about a boy who moves into Tokyo and adopts a custom-made android named Chii. Hideki, that’s the boy, goes about his business, but begins to question, is he in love with Chii? The series askes the question, “Is it possible for romance to develop between a normal human and an artificial human?” This series says, yes. However, Hideki is torn between Chii and a number of human women as well. It’s a romantic comedy with elements of drama.
[Vile 01] What about the author?
[NBK] The author’s handle is xm0123. According to his blog, he likes video games, manga, and works of animation. He is a self-described, “21st century scholar.” and he’s seen the Chobits anime, but not the manga.
[Vile 01] Forget that! What’s the header of this fanfic!?
[Blue Yoshi] “Loss is Not Forever.” Rating: T. Genre: comedy, drama, romance. Pairing(s): Hideki/Chitose. Hey, who’s Chitose?
[NBK] One of Hideki’s potential love interests. She’s a widowed woman who’s a little older than Hideki, and is the landlady of his apartment complex. Hideki is either 18 or 19, while Chitose is . . . she doesn’t look that much older than him, probably no younger than 27, but no older than 33. We’re looking at an April-to-June romance, or an April-to-July romance. By the way, Chitose’s dead husband was a character in Angelic Layer, another CLAMP franchise.
[Vile 01] Oh, you’ll wanna hear this, guys. You know why xm0123 is writing Hideki/Chitose het? Not only does the author claim Hideki should’ve hooked up with her instead, but also, he, as in xm0123, claims to have a “platonic crush” on Chitose.
[NBK] Uh oh! PSL Alert, guys!
[Vile 01] I dunno if it’s PSL. He said it’s platonic, as in, he’s not in love with her, and he doesn’t wanna . . . do . . . something . . . with her either. But he does claim that she’s “amazing” and that he wouldn’t mind giving her a hug.
[NBK] Wanting to hug an anime character is PSL in my book. I got a bad feeling how this is gonna go. Any last details?
[Blue Yoshi] It’s written in first person narrative, from Hideki’s viewpoint. Other than that, I think we’re ready, assuming we don’t mind reading Chobits spoilers, which I don’t.
[NBK] Me neither.
[Vile 01] Neither do I.
[NBK] Then let’s load this fucker up!
. . . Suddenly, she held my hands. She looked straight into my eyes and said, “Chii loves Hideki. Does Hideki love Chii?” I was stunned by what I heard! Chii just told me she loved me! I had to do a double take; Chii, a persocom, is in love with me!? What do I do!? What do I say to something like that!?
[Blue Yoshi] You tell yourself that it’s just a show, like we do.
. . . After trying to think it through as best as I could, I told her, “I do love you, Chii, but I love you like how an older brother would love a younger sister, or perhaps the way a father loves his daughter. You are a very special person, Chii, I enjoy your company very much, however, I can’t say that I’m in love with you.” Almost as if on cue, she let go of my hands, and started staring off into space. She asked in a more flat tone, “You . . . don’t . . . love . . . me?” Her voice started making garbled noises, and her head started jerking about violently, like she was being short-circuited.
[NBK] Oh no! It looks like a case of Die For Our Ship! The Hideki/Chii Ship is going down faster than the Titanic!
[Blue Yoshi] Somebody call Celine Dion, tell her she’s got another gig tonight.
[Vile 01] *dialing numbers on his cell phone* Already on it!
***
. . . She looked at me with a grim look on her face. “I’m afraid her hard drive’s completely crashed. Even if I manage to reboot her, she won’t remember anything.
[Vile 01] Hideki: “So that means if I reactivated her now, I could re-educate her into becoming my own sex slave!?” Chitose: “It’s possible.” Hideki: “Best case of amnesia ever!!!!”
***
. . . Minoru looked at his PC with a puzzled look on his face. “So basically, you’re saying Chii went kaput because you rejected her?” I told him, “But I didn’t say anything to harm her! I just said I wasn’t in love with her!”
[NBK] Hideki: “Of course, there was that time I fondled her boobs, but that was an accident! And what girl kills herself because of a mishap like that!?”
[Blue Yoshi] Hey, you know what this reminds me of? That episode of the original Star Trek where an inventor presents a computer to the Enterprise, then the computer takes over the Enterprise, and then starts killing people, because it (the computer) perceives everyone to be a threat. Captain Kirk, through the power of dramatic pauses, convinces the computer that it has killed in cold blood, and that the penalty for murder is death. Upon this realization, the computer shuts itself off, effectively committing suicide. I guess things driven by AIs have a tendency to do this.
[NBK] Or maybe Chii’s just doing what her twin sister would do in her situation; things getting too emo? Hit the kill switch! It must run in the family.
[Vile 01] Nah. Chii and Freya are just so human-like, they, like human teenage girls, have the tendency to slit their wrists when things don’t go their way, only, replace “slit their wrists” with “reformat hard drive.”
[NBK] Dude, I think that’s insensitive towards those who really have tried to kill themselves by cutting their wrists.
***
. . . That night, I had a dream. I had come home from an arduous day of work, but my home was not the apartment, but rather, a really nice condo. I go inside, drop off my stuff, when suddenly, someone grabs me from behind. I turn around and see Chii, except she is lifeless.
[Blue Yoshi] Dude, you ever thought about hitting her on button first?
[NBK] Yeah, but do you remember where her on/off switch is? Let’s just say I’m glad guys like Beavis and Butthead didn’t get to Chii first.
[Vile 01] Beavis: “Heh heh, heh heh! So like, there’s this robot chick, heh heh, and to turn her on, you have to like, touch her between the legs, if you know what I mean, heh heh!” Butthead: “Uh huh huh huh huh, uh huh huh, you said ‘turn on!’ Uh huh huh huh!”
[Blue Yoshi] Then again, it is a dream sequence; it’s not supposed to make any sense.
It took me a long time before I could fall asleep again. By the time I finally did, I had another dream. It started off just like the one before; I go inside of a condo, I drop my things off, and someone grabs me, no, hugs me from behind. I turn around, thinking it’s Chii again, but to my surprise, it wasn’t Chii at all; it was Miss Hibiya! She said, “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” The sound of her voice was so . . . pleasant, and soothing. Dumbfounded by all of this, all I could say to her was, “Where’s Chii?”
[NBK] Making extra rounds at the Persocom Strip Club.
[Vile 01] Making yet another cameo appearance in Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle.
[Blue Yoshi] Trying to find that damned fourth Emerald. These things don’t find themselves, ya know!
***
. . . As I set off for school, I saw Miss Hibiya sweeping the walks again, as usual. However, because of what happened last night, I suddenly found myself becoming really nervous. Looking at her, I realized, she really does have a pretty face, she really does have pretty eyes, and she really does have pretty long black hair!
[Vile 01] Hideki: “It was at that precise moment that I reached a private climax inside of my pants.”
[NBK] *hits Vile 01* For Christ’s sake, have some dignity!
[Vile 01] What!? It was funnier in my head!
***
. . . “I’m sorry about what happened to Chii.” Hiromu told me. “It’s not easy to lose a Persocom you’ve spent a lot of time with.” I said, “I know. Miss Hibiya is doing everyting she can to restore her, but that’s not why I invited you over to the diner. There’s something else I wanted to discuss with you.”
[Blue Yoshi] Hideki: “I deserve Miss Shimizu, not you!”
[NBK] Hideki: “Sumomo is just adorable! Where can I find a model just like her!?”
Hiromu replied, “Sure. You can tell me anything.” I suddenly found myself getting nervous again. I was blushing, and I stammered, “It’s about Miss Hibiya.” I paused for a second, then Hiromu said, “What about Miss Hibiya?” It was weird; I knew what I wanted to say, all the words were in my head, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say them. Looking away, I said, “For a while now, I’ve found myself thinking about Miss Hibiya. A lot.”
[Vile 01] Hiromu: “First of all, Hideki, let me assure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a woman who is older than you.”
[NBK] Hiromu: “Unless if that woman is Courtney Love. In which case, you’re beyond help.”
Hiromu was now smiling. He said in a jovial manner, “Oh, I get it! You’re in love with her!” When I heard that, I completely froze up. I couldn’t say anything. He now looked concerned and asked, “You are in love with her, right?” I forced myself to say, “Yes!”
[NBK] Hideki: “It’s true! It’s all true! I even have a shrine of her in my closet! I also collect her hair follicles!” Hiromu: “. . . . . . I’m gonna go home now.”
***
“You’re not going to believe it, Hideki! I got her working again!” Miss Hibiya told me exuberantly. Two things:
[Blue Yoshi] Hideki: “One, I hope Chii doesn’t get lost when playing MMORPG’s this time.”
[Vile 01] Hideki: “And two . . . can’t think Chitose looking right at me must bang her”
[NBK] It’s almost like Hideki is his old pervy self again.
One, I was overjoyed to learn that Chii would be working again. And two, well, seeing Miss Hibiya in such high spirits, uh, seeing her so happy, made me happy! Then she told me, “only thing is, her memory was wiped. You’ll have to start from square one. Hopefully, this time, she shouldn’t lose her memory again. I’ve reconfigured her parameters to make sure that doesn’t happen in the future.” “Uh, Miss Hibiya,” I began, “Um, I don’t want to raise Chii alone this time.” “Oh? What do you mean?” She asked. I answered, “Well, please don’t take this the wrong way, but, I would like it if you, could, um, raise her with me.” Miss Hibiya looked astonished. She asked, “Really? Why?” I nervously stammered, “Because I am hopelessly in love with you Miss Hibiya, no, Chitose! There isn’t anything about you I don’t like! Your eyes! Your hair! Your legs! Your clothes! Your voice! Your niceness! Your intelligence! I love everything about you!” “Hideki!” “I don’t think I could ever replace your ex-husband, but I would like to try anyways! So um, Miss Hibiya, I meant Chitose, may I be your boyfriend!?” There was an awkward silence. Then Miss Hibiya slowly walked up to me. She hugged me and whispered into my ear, “Yes, you may.” She then kissed me lightly on the cheek. She released me with a smile on her face. I was so overcome with raw emotion that I fainted. Chitose shrieked and asked, “Are you okay!?” I told her, “Never been better!”
[Vile 01] Hideki: “It’s just that the reason I can’t get up is because this raging stiffie of mine is just weighing me down too much!
[NBK] *hits Vile 01* Stop that!
She helped me back up and said, “I never thought I’d ever meet anyone kind enough to win my heart again, but here you are doing just that!”
[Blue Yoshi] Oh my god! Did the author just print something, genuinely heartwarming!? *goes into shock*
[Vile 01] Hey, is this why there are no snide comments by us throughout almost that entire last paragraph!? Have I grown soft too!? OH NOES!
[NBK] Just wait for it. Something’s bound to come up that we can make fun of.
***
. . . I was now ready for a new day of school. Chitose and Chii were waiting by the door. Chitose gave me a quick kiss and told me, “I’ll see you later, Hideki!” Chii said, “Take care of yourself.” I smiled and answered, “I will!” And here I am now, walking to school, the happiest man in all of Tokyo! The End.
[NBK] So, what are your reviews?
[Blue Yoshi] It didn’t suck as much as I thought it would. It kinda even makes sense for Hideki to be with Chitose, in a way. But it wasn’t really that entertaining either. I say, So Okay, It’s Average.
[Vile 01] The author, oddly enough, actually has an understanding of the English language. I can’t find any typos, the grammar is all good, the overall syntax is almost professional quality. The story itself . . . meh. It could’ve been a lot worse, yeah, but Hideki hooking up with anyone other than Chii kind of defeats the whole purpose of the franchise. It’s almost sacrilegious.
[NBK] Would you rather he have written a lemon fic? Or a lime fic?
[Vile 01] No, no! It’s not M-rated, and despite some of my comments, that sort of thing is not what I want to see when I want to read a fanfic anyways. It was a romance fic with most of the sexual trappings removed, thankfully.
[NBK] Well I for one thought the fic was good. Not fantastic, but good. The author doesn’t seem to portray anyone out of character, except for maybe Chitose, and it made me happy, and isn’t that what matters, dear MSTers? The happiness? I think so.
[Blue Yoshi] Pfft. Suck-up.
[NBK] You know what? Screw you guys! You rather we be reviewing Twilight fics? Huh!? Or Harry Potter fics? Huh!? Or Evangelion fanfics that aren’t Shinji and Warhammer 40k, Once More With Feeling, or Rebuild of the End of Shin Seiki Evangelion: Angelic Girlfriend of Steel Days @ Ikari Raising Academy? Huh!?
[Blue Yoshi] You know what this puts me in the mood for? Retro 90's Sailor Moon fics. Gotta love the creepy obsession otakus had with those girls back in the day.
[NBK] ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!?!?!
[Vile 01] Sorry, can’t hear you. I’m looking for more fics to burn. Why don’t you do the same?
[NBK] *sighs* Fine. I’ll head over to the Final Fantasy section then.
