I'm sad to say that I don't like Metroid: Zero Mission as much as Metroid Fusion and Super Metroid. Sure, Zero Mission is a lot more playable than the original Metroid, and it's not a bad game by any means, but it's just not doing it for me.
But now, Metroid. Unlike some game series, Metroid is known for having a strong sense of continuity. I actually appreciate this. Some game series don't, and while I'm hardly an individual who plays games for story (with few exceptions, I'm actually the opposite), you know there's something wrong when someone is trying to tell a real story with a game series, and yet, some aspects of the plot are incompatible from game to game. That doesn't happen with Metroid.
But there are still a few things about Metroid that, well, just bug me. And I don't think I'm alone when I say this.
{Somewhere in a dark place in the far future (sometime after Super Metroid, but before Metroid Fusion and "Other M" to be exact), Ridley and Kraid are having a conversation.}
(Kraid) Hey.
(Ridley) Yeah?
(Kraid) Why are we called "Space Pirates"?
(Ridley) Because we raid cargo ships.
(Kraid) Yeah, um, I don't think we're really pirates.
(Ridley) What are you talking about? We raid cargo vessels that travel through outer space. If that's not the definition of Space Pirate, I don't know what is.
(Kraid) But there's the thing; we don't just steal from ships. Here's the thing, our enemy is the Galactic Federation, right? And we have declared war on them, right? However, if we were to launch a head-on assault on the Feds, we would lose to sheer attrition. So instead, we establish our HQ in the most impenetrable of planets, the kind of which are crawling with hostile lifeforms, and are filled to the brim with dangerous environments. From these planetary "bunkers", if you will, we launch hit-and-run attacks on the Feds. In the meantime, we seek leverage against the Feds by obtaining and manufacturing a biological weapon of mass destruction known as the Metroid. Considering all these things about us, do you know what the best term to describe us would be?
(Ridley) "Terrorists"?
(Kraid) Bingo. To the Feds, we are intergalactic terrorists.
(Ridley) Yeah, but if we're terrorists, what's our motivation? We're not religious fanatics, and it's not like we're trying to liberate anyone either.
(Kraid) Our motive? Simple! We're obnoxious douchebags who hate all humans and want to destroy the infrastructure of the Galactic Federation just to prove that we can!
(Ridley) . . . I hate you.
Yeah, whenever I read "Space Pirates", I replace it "Xeno Terrorists." And also, Samus seems more like a mercenary than a bounty hunter. How many bounties has she collected exactly?
Well anyways, that ends my talk of Metroid for now. Besides homework, I have nothing else to occupy my mind with, (unless if I wanna die 20 times over trying to kill Striders again) so I'll probably go back to writing my Touhou fanfic some more. I don't know when that will be updated, though.
(Kraid) Hey Ridley.
(Ridley) Yeah?
(Kraid) You ever wondered why we're here?
(Ridley) Fuck you.
(Kraid) Hey wait, I just thought of something; aren't we supposed to be dead!?
(Ridley) Possibly.
(Kraid) Then how are we alive right now!?
(Ridley) That's a good question. I'm pretty sure She Who Must Remain Nameless has killed us several times now.
(Kraid) I think I know the answer to my question.
(Ridley) What?
(Kraid) The reason we're still alive? Time paradox!
(Ridley) That's retar-
-(Me) oMgWtFtImE pArAdOx!!1Onelolio!!!1
