Peoples, peoples, may I have your attention?
I have come up with the wildest idea ever. It's not my best idea ever, only that it is my wildest idea ever. Okay, are you ready?
I would like to see a movie based off Touhou. But not just any movie, mind you. There's already two Touhou doujin anime products, and countless Touhou Flashes, but what I want to see is a full-length theatrical feature. Okay, I'm probably not the first person who's interested in a Touhou movie, but, and this is where it gets interesting, I want the Touhou movie to be a comedy. It can have action, (what video game movie doesn't?) it can have drama, (Who does Marisa like most: Reimu, Alice, Patchouli, or someone we didn't expect?) but it will primarily be a comedy. But not just any comedy.
A musical comedy.
Now now, I know what you're thinking, "Japanese animation is renowed and/or abhorred for a lot of reasons, but musicals (or a lack thereof) is not one of them!" But, hear me out before you dismiss me!
You see, the movie's soundtrack already exists, including the musical numbers! Many of the Touhou remixes I've linked sound like musical numbers. And the background music can be remixes of other genres. Now, I don't know if all of the different remix artists would agree to use their music for a movie, but hypothetically, let's assume that they do.
Now, the plot. Uh, I haven't thought too much about this. I don't think it should recycle the plots of any of the games, but, since this is Touhou, this could be a similar kind of plot: something threatens all of Gensokyo, Reimu and Marisa set out to end the problem, they encounter old friends and enemies along the way, they eventually learn that whatever was threatening Gensokyo was just the result of a misunderstanding, and everyone celebrates by drinking tea, or in Suika's case, sake. No new characters should be introduced for the movie, just characters who have appeared in the games.
And now, production values. I'll be a little lenient here; it doesn't have to have fantastic animation. It does have to look decent, though. It cannot look like the anime of yesteryear, where every single character appeared to be missing a third of their animation frames. Since the original games are 2D, I would prefer the movie to be 2D as well, even despite my preference of 3D CGI. Some franchises look better in 2D than 3D, and I'm of the opinion that Touhou would be better off in 2D. It can still be computerized animation, (like a Flash), just, no 3D effects. At least this way, "real" animation fanatics can't bitch about "fugly" CGI.
Now, getting back to the songs, I've noticed most Touhou remixes that could function as musical numbers are "I Am" songs. I can't find any "I Want" songs, any "Villain's Declaration of Evil" song, no "Beautiful Romance" songs, and so forth. So, it seems like most of the songs would be for character introductions. I've linked remixes of the themes of Cirno, Chen, Hong Meiling, and Orin that could be used, (dude, Orin's remix, the one that sounds like Thriller, would bring in many interested viewers) and I'm sure there are others out there as well. The first Touhou song I linked, the remix of Remilia's theme by Innocent Key, should be in the movie, though I can't see how Remilia and Flandre feeling up Sakuya could have any relevance to the plot. Then I realized, all great animated musicals have at least one song that is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment.
BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!
And that would be my BLAM moment.
"But wait a second, you keep thinking of this hypothetical Touhou movie as an anime, but you're not Japanese. Wouldn't this turn out to be an anime-esque American cartoon if you made it?" Nah, I wouldn't produce this is any way. Most Touhou fans are from Japan, The Man Himself, ZUN, is Japanese, the artwork and some of the music is distinctly Japanese, and the word "Touhou" itself means "Oriental" in Japanese. It just wouldn't feel right if it wasn't made in Japan. If there is an English version, it would be an English dub of the Japanese original, nothing more. Of course, I don't know if the remixers would also allow foreign language dubs of their music, but hey, it can happen.
Would this be high art? No. Will this even be a great movie? Probably not. But I am certain it would have a kickass soundtrack, and be hilarious.
One last thing, this won't be a kid's movie. I don't want any angry parents complaining that they took their kids to a movie that has a vampire commenting on her maid's "Nice, supple thighs!" Though I wouldn't expect a Touhou movie to be any heavier than a PG-13 rating.
