Christmas comes early for you all, even if you don't celebrate it. Know why? I just finished my Eva fanfic.
It's a lot longer than my previous 'fics here, but it's worth it. A brief description, my fanfic is not canon. Also, the whole point of it is nothing makes sense, so please don't take it too seriously. Then again, for the most part, it's a comedy, so don't expect to take it seriously.
Why the Eva fanfic? Well, Anno wants those who've seen the Eva anime to make up their own minds as to what happened in the end. So this 'fic is my theory. Everything else will be explained in the 'fic itself. Lastly, although 99 percent of the content is in English, unless otherwise noted, it's assumed the characters are speaking Japanese. That might explain the presence of Japanese honorifics. Let's get started!
xm0123's Domain Presents: Rebuild of the End of Shin Seiki Evangelion: Angelic Girlfriend of Steel Days @ Ikari Raising Academy.
{The scene is Misato’s apartment. Misato is sitting at the kitchen table with her head down. She is presumably crying. She is wearing shorts and a short sleeved shirt. Shinji Ikari enters the room. He is wearing his school uniform. He seats himself next to Misato. He looks concerned for her well-being.}
[Shinji] Misato-san, I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone you love like you did, but please, I don’t want you to be like this forever. When I see you depressed like this, it makes me depressed too. I like you most when you’re happy, when you’re drinking, when you’re making fun of me. *grins* Even though I might be irritated when you do that, it at least lets me know that you’re enjoying yourself. And, through everything, I think you’ll find someone who can replace Kaji-san. I mean, why wouldn’t someone want you? You’re really pretty, you can get the job done, you’re friendly when you want to be . . . please, just talk to me, Misato-san.
{At that precise moment. Misato throws her head up, with her eyes closed and with a large smile on her face.}
[Misato] I’M SO WASTED!!!!!
[Shinji] *blushing* Eh!?
{Misato, who was holding a beer can concealed by her long hair, begins talking, drunk out of her mind.}
[Misato] Did I just hear Shin-chan give me a prep speech? There’s no way that could ever happen! *glances over at Shinji* Oh? *mischievous grin* You really did, didn’t you, Shin-chan?
[Shinji] *blushing* Uh, well, um.
[Misato] And did you say I was pretty? Aww, that’s so thoughtful of you, Shin-chan! Always thinking of a woman’s feelings when addressing her!
[Shinji] *still blushing* But, uh, it’s not what you think! Honest!
[Misato] Oh? But don’t you still wanna comfort me? Poor old me? *stands up with her arms spread, as if she were about to hug* Give me a hug, you adorable Eva pilot, you!
[Shinji] *blushing* Uh, maybe some other time! You seem okay now! Bye!
{Shinji runs off. Misato sits back down, looking disappointed.}
[Misato] He’s never gonna get a girl if he keeps running away like that.
{All of a sudden, the scene is now Rei’s apartment. Rei Ayanami is sitting on her bed in fetal position. She is wearing a nightgown. She appears emotionless, and doesn’t speak. She instead thinks.}
[Rei] (thinking to herself) Why is it that everywhere I go, everything I do, he’s on my mind? I don’t understand. I know that he, being the Third Child, is an Eva pilot like me, and we have fought many Angels side by side, but I feel, I feel like he has become a part of my life. I can’t stop thinking about him.
{Rei holds up her right hand, with the palm side facing toward her face.}
[Rei] I want to . . . I want to hold him, let him know that I’m here for him. I want him to be safe. I . . . I don’t know what I’d do if he were to suddenly die. I don’t know.
{Rei is now lying on her side.}
[Rei] My heart races whenever I think about him. I worry more about him than I do the mission, or Commander Ikari, or even myself. Why is it that, of all the people that I’ve met in my life, I feel this way for him? Tell me Shinji-kun. Tell me, is my concern for you what they call . . . love?
{The scene is suddenly now the school. Shinji, Toji Suzuhara, Kensuke Aida, Asuka Langley Soryu, and Hikari Hokari are walking down a hallway. They are in uniform. They are having random conversations about whatever.}
[Kensuke] Did you know that, contrary to popular belief, the AK-47 actually does not break down very easily? Yeah! It’s actually one of the most reliable assault rifles in modern warfare!
[Toji] It was tha third quarta, we were down five points, and I had ta make thuh free throw. I was nervous as Hell.
[Shinji] Oh, everything’s the same. Mom and Dad read the newspaper, Asuka-chan made fun of me again.
[Hikari] Have you seen the new transfer student? He’s really cute!
[Asuka] Are you sure? He kinda looks like a girl if you ask me.
{At that moment, Ritsuko Akagi, the school nurse, walks by. Shinji, Kensuke, and Toji look very excited. Hikari and Asuka are displaying pouty expressions.}
[Shinji & Toji & Kensuke] HELLLLOOOOOOOOO NURSE!
[Ritsuko] Hey guys! Have you been staying out of trouble?
[Shinji & Toji & Kensuke] YES NURSE AKAGI!
[Ritsuko] Okay then, take care!
{Ritsuko walks off. The boys are dazed.}
[Kensuke] Nurse Akagi is absolutely gorgeous!
[Toji] You sed it! She can court me ANYTIME!
[Shinji] I know! She really brightens up the school!
{The girls are still pouting.}
[Asuka & Hikari] Boys are such idiots, I swear.
[Kensuke] So, Shinji-kun, got any plans for after school?
[Shinji] Well, assuming an Angel doesn’t suddenly attack.
{Shinji is interrupted by an unseen person’s voice.}
[Unseen Person’s Voice] THERE YOU ARE!
{From out of nowhere, Rei Ayanami glomps Shinji. The other kids do not look surprised.}
[Hikari] Oh hey, Ayanami-chan.
{Rei is now holding Shinji’s hands, with a smile on her face.}
[Rei] So, how’s my favorite shonen holding up?
[Shinji] Uh, okay, I guess.
[Rei] *with her eyes closed* Fantabulastic!
{The students are now in a classroom, seated at their desks. Rei strikes up a conversation with Asuka.}
[Rei] Oh hey, can I see your math paper from last night?
[Asuka] What for? Do you need to compare answers?
[Rei] *looking away from Asuka* Umm.
[Asuka] *looking angry* You just wanna copy my answers again, don’t you!?
{Rei nervously nods her head.}
[Asuka] Geez, When are you ever gonna take responsibility for yourself? Is it so hard to do your homework for just one night?
{At that moment, Misato, the homeroom teacher, walks in.}
[Misato] Alright, everyone, take your seats, and we’ll begin role call.
{Shinji notices Misato, but looks puzzled.}
[Shinji] (thinking to himself) Hey, wait. Wasn’t Misato-san in her apartment just a moment ago?
{Suddenly, the scene is now NERV HQ. Rei and Asuka are in an elevator that’s going down. They are in their plugsuits. Asuka looks like she’s about to start fighting Rei. Rei is avoiding eye contact with Asuka. Asuka breaks the ice.}
[Asuka] Well, aren’t you gonna say anything? Or are you above talking, Wonder Doll? You always stand there, trying to look sooooooooooo cool, trying to be some killer ice queen or something. Well let me tell you something; even if you are favored by Shinji’s dad, you’ll never amount to anything. Certainly not like me. (In a much more sinister tone of voice) And let me make something else clear; don’t come between me and Shinji!
{Asuka tears her eyes away from Rei, not saying a word. There is an awkward silence. Then, Rei speaks up.}
[Rei] If you like Shinji-kun that much, then why are you so abusive to him?
[Asuka] *looking surprised* What!? Abusive!? I don’t . . . wait, since when did you care about Shinji? Or rather, why?
{Rei looks at Asuka. Her facial expression doesn’t change, but her eyes seem as though they are staring right through Asuka.}
[Rei] Because I don’t like it when you mistreat him. It upsets me.
[Asuka] Oh that’s it, you stupid little.
{Asuka attempts to slap Rei. Right before Asuka’s hand reaches Rei’s face, Rei grabs Asuka’s wrist.}
[Rei] Let’s not settle this here, but rather, in our Evas.
{Suddenly, the scene is now outside, on a grassy hill. Shinji, Kensuke, and Toji are having a picnic.}
[Toji] Man, I tell ya, practice really saps thuh life outta ya!
{Before anyone could say another word, Eva-00 and Eva-02 suddenly rise from the ground. Once active, they appear to be fighting each other in hand-to-hand combat. The NERV Control Center witnesses all of this. Misato, Ritsuko, Maya Ibuki, Shigeru Aoba, and Makoto Hyuuga are panicked by what they see. Gendo Ikari and Kozo Fuyutsuki are also present, but appear calm and in control of the situation.}
[Makoto] Sir, Eva-00 and Eva-02 have just performed an unauthorized sortie!
[Ritsuko] Is it the First and Second Child!?
[Maya] Confirmed! It’s their lifesigns!
[Misato] (to Asuka and Rei via radio) Just what the Hell do you think you’re doing!?
[Asuka] (to Misato via radio) Shut up! You stay out of this!
[Gendo] Cut off all power to the Evas.
[Makoto] Roger! *presses a series of buttons*
{Meanwhile, back at the grassy hill, Shinji, Kensuke, and Toji witness the Evas fighting each other.}
[Kensuke] Holy shit, dude! Are Rei-chan and Asuka-chan trying to kill each other inside those things!?
[Toji] Hey, ya know what dis means? We’re witnessin’ a cat fight! A giant mecha cat fight! Woot WOOT!
[Kensuke] Hey Shinji-kun, do you know why they’d wanna fight each other?
[Shinji] Uh, well, they never really did get along with each other, but, I’d never thought they’d take it this far.
{Back at the NERV Command Center, everyone is anxiously waiting for the Evas’ internal batteries to run out.}
[Kozo] Commander, do you have any idea as to why the two of them would attempt to kill one another?
[Gendo] I can’t say at this time.
[Shigeru] Oh, look what I found on the security feed!
{Shigeru’s computer shows when Rei and Asuka nearly came to blows in the elevator.}
[Shigeru] It appears the First and Second Child are still, well, children. They’re still young and naive enough to still foolishly believe in that self-delusion called “love.”
[Makoto] Shut up, Aoba!
{Suddenly, the scene is now the school concert hall. Shinji is seated on a chair playing on his cello. He plays alone, uninterrupted, when all of a sudden, a voice belonging to Asuka interrupts him.}
[Asuka] Stop! Stop! You’re doing it all wrong!
{Asuka appears, wearing a dance costume. She is frustrated, as is Shinji.}
[Shinji] Oh, what did I do wrong now!?
[Asuka] Every other note you hit was either too sharp or too flat! How am I supposed to practice when you keep screwing up the music!?
[Shinji] What!? I’m playing it exactly as it appears on the sheet!
[Asuka] Well play it better!
[Shinji] Geez, does nothing satisfy you?
[Asuka] Oh, be quiet.
{Shinji begins playing the cello again. Asuka dances for a short time, then suddenly stops.}
[Asuka] No, no, no, NO! God, why do Japanese always screw up the most basic music?
[Shinji] Hey, my background has nothing to do with my talent! Don’t bring race into this! Besides, aren’t you half-Japanese, yourself? Wouldn’t that make you racist toward yourself?
[Asuka] Shinji, do me a favor; shut. UP. From the top.
{Shinji plays the cello again. Asuka dances. Then she stops. She looks furious.}
[Asuka] Shinji! If you can’t play the piece, I’ll find someone who will.
[Shinji] Well fine! *suddenly stands up and drops his instrument* I don’t want to work with you anyways!
[Asuka] Me neither! *suddenly looks less hot-blooded* Actually, all this hatred, is making me passionate. No, hot. You’re making me hot, Shinji!
[Shinji] *blushing* Huh!?
{Asuka, now with a big smile on her face, grabs Shinji to embrace him. Shinji looks very uncomfortable.}
[Asuka] Make love to me, Shinji! Right here, right now!
[Shinji] But, I don’t want to!
{Shinji breaks Asuka’s grip on him, and dashes off. Asuka makes a pouty expression.}
[Asuka] That’s just like him, running away at the first sign of hormones.
{The scene is now outside the school. Shinji is standing next to the school building. He looks down, perhaps because he is depressed. He doesn’t move nor say anything. After a while, Kaworu Nagisa, in school uniform, approaches him. He is faintly smiling.}
[Kaworu] Bad day, today?
[Shinji] Yeah.
[Kaworu] Do you want to talk about it?
[Shinji] I’d rather not.
[Kaworu] I saw you practicing your act with Asuka.
[Shinji] You saw that?
[Kaworu] Yes. I believe I know what you’re going through.
[Shinji] Oh really?
[Kaworu] Yes. I have reason to believe that there is sexual tension between you and Asuka.
[Shinji] What!? Sexual tension!? That’s not it! Well, not on my part anyways.
[Kaworu] Do you want to have sexual intercourse with Asuka?
[Shinji] What? What kind of a question is that?
[Kaworu] Maybe you want to say, “yes”, but you are too in denial to bring yourself to admit it, even to me.
[Shinji] That’s not it! You really shouldn’t be so presumptuous, Kaworu-kun.
[Kaworu] Are you sure? What about Rei? Would you like to have sexual intercourse with her?
[Shinji] Okay, you’re making me really uncomfortable, you know that? And I’m not answering that question, either.
[Kaworu] Would you if she wasn’t a genetic clone of your mother? Would you if she wasn’t part Angel?
[Shinji] Go away before I send for Misato-sensei.
[Kaworu] Say, out of curiosity, would you like to have sexual intercourse with me?
{Shinji displays a shocked expression at Kaworu.}
[Shinji] What!? No! I’m not into . . . I’m not interested in you that way!
[Kaworu] There is nothing unnatural about wanting to perform sexual intercourse with someone of the same gender. It occurs in all sexual species, humans included.
[Shinji] Maybe so, but I’m not . . . I’m only interested in girls. Human girls.
[Kaworu] Oh, that’s right. Humans. I guess that leaves me out of the equation.
[Shinji] You out of the equation? *looks like he remembered something* Oh wait! That’s right! You’re not actually human! I just remembered; you’re my enemy! And for that . . . wait, didn’t I already kill you?
{Suddenly, the scene is now outside, at a watermelon patch just outside of Tokyo-3. Shinji finds Ryoji Kaji, standing around waiting for him. Shinji approaches Ryoji.}
[Shinji] Kaji-san! It’s a good thing you’re here!
[Ryoji] Hey Shinji-kun. What’s up?
[Shinji] There’s something weird going on.
[Ryoji] Weird? What do you mean?
[Shinji] Well, It’s hard to describe. It’s like, well, I know I’m gonna sound like an anime otaku for phrasing it like this, but I feel like my life has become like an episode of Lucky Star.
[Ryoji] Lucky Star? Never heard of it.
[Shinji] Well, it was a comedy about high school girls, and, what the show is famous for is its story is very loose. What often happens is you’ll see a brief scene, then it will suddenly cut to a different scene, then cut to another scene until the end. Many of these short sketches don’t ever get resolved.
[Ryoji] Hmm. You’re saying your life is like a comedy anime?
[Shinji] Not exactly. It’s like, one moment, I’m in Misato-san’s apartment, then the next, I’m at school, and Misato-san is now my homeroom teacher, but then, I see Rei-chan and Asuka-chan try to kill each other in their Evas and suddenly Misato-san is not my homeroom teacher anymore, and sometimes, Rei-chan is struggling with what it’s like to be human, and other times, she’s a ditzy teen girl, and it’s all so very, very confusing. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t even know what’s real anymore!
[Ryoji] Third Impact!
[Shinji] Third Impact? You mean, I’m experiencing something like the Second Impact?
[Ryoji] Similar, but worse. Concerning the Second Impact, all that happened was the melting of the polar ice caps and a few billion dead people. Concerning the Third Impact, it’s much worse. I should’ve told you this sooner, Shinji-kun, but I thought you would’ve figured it out for yourself by now. Basically, we are living in the aftermath of the Third Impact; Human Instrumentality. In Human Instrumentality, the very laws of physics themselves are broken. Reality is now un-reality. The future is the past, and the past is the future. Everything you learned in life prior to the Third Impact, no longer applies now.
[Shinji] So . . . that would explain how you’re here, despite the fact that you’re supposed to be dead.
[Ryoji] Dead? Me? I’m not dead! Look at me: I’m breathing, talking, still somewhat-handsome, and you say I’m dead!? Pishaw! Oh wait, maybe, after the Third Impact, I came back to life. Awesome! Well, you see, there’s an example of Human Instrumentality right there; the dead can be alive.
[Shinji] Really? *suddenly looks excited* So does that mean I can see my mother again!?
[Ryoji] I would imagine.
{At that precise moment, a female voice can be heard in the distance.}
[Voice] Shinji! Shinji, where are you?
{A figure appears in the distance. The figure moves closer to Shinji. Shinji sees that it is Yui Ikari, his mother. He smiles a heartwarming smile.}
[Shinji] Mother!
{Shinji runs to Yui. He is about to embrace her, but right before he does, he stops and notices something about Yui.}
[Shinji] (mumbled really quickly) Holy snap you look just like Rei Ayanami. (Back to normal speaking pace.) Except with brown eyes and brown hair. Oh whatever! It’s good to see you again!
{Shinji and Yui hug each other. They then release. They’re both smiling.}
[Yui] Wow, you’ve gotten so big! I remember when you were *holds her hand near Shinji’s waist* this tall!
[Shinji] *giggles* I know!
[Ryoji] Hello, Yui-san. I see you’re still as smexy as ever.
[Yui] *giggles* Oh, Ryoji-san! You never stop, do you? Then again, I figured my little Shin-chan would be spending time with you!
[Shinji] Oh yes! He’s been teaching me all sorts of things, like the Third Impact, and Misato-san’s bad habits, and everything in-between!
[Ryoji] Boy, I swear, I really do envy Gendo-san. To paraphrase the Westerners, you are still a MILF.
[Yui] *nervous smile* Oh, stop it, Ryoji-san! What if my husband hears us?
[Ryoji] Oh, it doesn’t matter. You know Misato’s my one and only, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the company of other beautiful women, now can I?
{Everyone laughs. The scene suddenly changes to the surface of the bright side of Earth’s moon. There is nothing visible. Two voices are heard.}
[Voice 1] Well, that’s it; the Angels lost, so the humans inherit the Earth. You could say that for the human race, everything is going, (in impression) exactly as planned.
[Voice 2] (sounding irritated) Oh god damn it, Sachiel.
[Sachiel?] What!? What’s wrong with making a reference to something humans created for their own entertainment? Oh wait, is it because Death Note is popular with “normal people”, and therefore, you automatically hate it by principle?
{It is revealed that all of the Angels, except for Adam, Lilith, Tabris as Kaworu, and Lilim, are on the moon. “Voice 2" belongs to Shamshel.}
[Shamshel] No, it’s not that. It’s just, are we really in a position to be quoting our conquerors so frivolously?
[Ramiel] Hey, you two, since when did you ever, talk? In fact, why am I even talking right now?
[Gaghiel] Well, ya know, we’ve always had the ability to talk. It’s just that, we were never in contact with each other, and the humans can’t interpret our speech, but now we’re all here, so, it’s kinda surprising.
[Sachiel] Speaking of which, what are we doing on the moon? Aren’t we supposed to be on Earth?
[Ramiel] Well, we were, but now we’re dead, and the moon is Hell. Or maybe, the moon is Heaven, I can’t say for sure. It really depends on how you look at it; are we better off here, where no humans can bug us, or are we doomed to an existence of banality with nothing but each other for company, for the rest of eternity?
[Sachiel] Yeah, but, why the moon? Do you get what I’m saying?
[Israfel] Simple, because the Spear of Longinus poked a hole here. Even though that mighty lance is gone now, we can’t help but be attracted to the presence it made here.
[Sandalphon] Yeah, but, aren’t we supposed to be dead? I always thought that when you die, you just became another part of the Circle of Life, but, we’re here instead.
[Shamshel] Yeah, it’s strange. The last thing I remember before ending up here was being killed by a Japanese kid controlling a modified one of us. Oh hey, now that I think about it, is it just me, or were all the people who were able to kill us all from Japan?
[Matariel] Well, except for that one girl from Germany, they were all Japanese. And even that German girl was part Japanese. I can’t be sure if there’s something special about the Japanese people, or if it was just some coincidence.
[Sahaquiel] That’s probably because the one originally controlling us was Japanese.
[Israfel] Huh?
[Sahaquiel] You see, have you ever gotten the impression that someone was controlling you? Controlling your every action? A person with god-like powers over people? I have. I call this person, “Author.” You see, the Author originally controlling us was Japanese. He probably made all the battles take place in or near Tokyo for regional familiarity. But then, a few other Authors took control of us, and most of them were also Japanese. But now, as of this second, the Author currently controlling us is not Japanese, but rather, American.
[Sandalphon] If that theory of yours is correct, it may explain why we’re all speaking perfect English as opposed to Japanese, no?
[Sahaquiel] It’s no theory, it’s the truth. Although only one Author can control us at any given time, it boggles the mind considering the power they wield over the cosmos.
[Sachiel] Hey wait, how do you know all this? Where’s your proof? The burden of proof does lie with you, friend.
[Sahaquiel] Just ask Leliel.
[Leliel] I can hear the thoughts of the current Author. You could say, that I am, an “Author Avatar.” He’s telling me that, “I’ve never really done surreal writing before, but then I realized, what better way to practice surreal writing, then writing a script fic based off none other than Evangelion itself? And to make things interesting, I didn’t base my fic off any one of the Eva universes, but rather, all of them: the tv series, the manga series, the End of Eva, the dating sims, the Rebuild movies, everything short of the manga series where the Evas are Wild Arms-esque weapons. There’s elements of the different canons everywhere, and true to the spirit of Evangelion, none of it makes any sense whatsoever.”
[Ramiel] . . . Okay, I did not make any sense of that, whatsoever.
[Sachiel] Hey, did you just repeat the last line of the so-called “Author’s Note”?
[Ramiel] Maybe I did. I wouldn’t be surprised if we all started talking like him.
[Iruel] I’m a computer virus!
[Israfel] SHUT UP, IRUEL!
{Suddenly, the scene is now a black space of nothingness. A spotlight appears, showing Shinji in his school uniform. Another spotlight appears near Shinji, this one showing Rei in her school uniform. A third spotlight appears, showing Asuka in her school uniform. Rei and Asuka look at Shinji with delight, but do not approach him. Shinji looks very confused.}
[Rei] Shinji-kun, before I met you, I was lifeless, but now, I feel truly alive! I wanna snuggle with you!
[Asuka] Don’t listen to her, Shinji! I’m the one for you! I’m highly accomplished, and I have auburn hair! Don’t tell me that doesn’t turn you on!
[Rei] But, we have so much in common, and not just our genetic material!
[Asuka] But, out of all the boys in school, I hate you just a little less!
{Shinji falls down to his knees. He closes his eyes and covers his ears. He begins shouting in a psychotic manner.}
[Shinji] AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE THIS MADNESS ANYMORE!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!!!
{At that moment, Shinji hears the voice of Gendo.}
[Gendo] You truly are my son, Shinji. You’ve managed to get not one, but two women to go wild over you. I must admit, I’m impressed.
[Shinji] *still covering his ears and closing his eyes* D-Dad?
[Gendo] You’ve matured so much, my son. At first, I thought you were some meek little boy who wanted nothing more than to finish school and become a salaryman for the rest of his life. Now, I see that you are truly special.
{Shinji open his eyes, uncovers his ears, and stands up. Rei and Asuka watch him with fascination, but do not say anything.}
[Shinji] Dad, I . . . I’ve never heard you praise me like that before.
[Gendo] But now, you have another task ahead of you. You must now . . . choose a mate.
{Shinji looks startled.}
[Shinji] A-A mate!? You mean, like a girlfriend!?
[Gendo] Precisely. You see, Shinji, you may already know this, but as your father, I shall tell you in my own words. The world can be summed up in four words: everything is about sex. It is a rather blunt description, but it is the truth. Do you really think that human civilization would’ve perpetuated for as long as it has if everything wasn’t about sex? How else can you explain the prevalence of pornography on the internet? How do you suppose certain species don’t become extinct over the years? Simple, because everything is about sex. If it weren’t for sex, you wouldn’t be here, and neither would anybody else. But now it’s time for you to partake in this ritual. These women desire you, and I know that you have some level of attraction towards the First and Second Child.
[Shinji] *looks at Rei* Well, Rei-chan is very respectful, and isn’t abusive, and I would say we get along better, but the truth is, she’s a clone of my mom. And also part Angel. And since the Third Impact, I’ve learned that Rei was going to be my given name if I was a girl, so in a sense, it would mean I’m making love to my mom, and my sister. I don’t think that would be right.
[Rei] But it’s okay, Shinji-kun! If you’re worried about having deformed kids, I can always take The Pill! And we could get a sperm donor!
[Shinji] *looks at Asuka* On the other hand, Asuka-chan is very full of life, very passionate. A day with her would never be a boring day, what with her never-say-die attitude. But she’s still very immature, and very childish. Okay, not that I’m a huge improvement, but it’s hard for me to forgive her for the times she’s hurt me.
[Asuka] Oh, don’t worry about that! I’ll get better, I promise! I’ll get better, just for you!
[Gendo] Ah yes, classic approach-avoidance conflict. You can hesitate, but only for so long.
[Shinji] Can I be with Misato-san instead? Maybe when I get older? I like her.
[Gendo] You can’t. She already has Ryoji Kaji.
[Shinji] Oh. What if . . . I don’t choose either of them? Maybe I’ll find someone else down the line.
[Gendo] You can’t do that, either. Doing so would leave both the First and Second Child heartbroken.
[Shinji] What about Kaworu-kun? Oh wait, I have a love-hate relationship with him. He was nicer to me than anyone else. On the other hand, he forced me to kill him. That, and his lack of understanding human society would be a bit of a problem. *glances at Rei* Um. *glances at Asuka* Uh.
{Shinji spreads open his arms and speaks in a decisive manner.}
[Shinji] I cannot choose one over the other. Therefore, anyone interested in me, have at it, or leave quietly!
[Asuka] *huge smile on her face* Shinji! *dashes towards Shinji*
[Rei] *huge smile on her face* Darling! *dashes towards Shinji*
{Rei and Asuka glomp Shinji simultaneously. At that moment, everything fades to black. Shinji’s voice is heard.}
[Shinji] I’m so fucked up.
{The end.}
